A little note: I stopped writing regularly, mostly because I didn’t want to force writing just for the sake of writing. If I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to write, I would. That didn’t happen, not because I didn’t have things on my heart to share, but mostly because I felt that it had to be perfect. As someone who has a degree in journalism, I always felt the need to have perfect writing. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am who I am, I write how I write. Will it be perfect? No. Will it be worthy of publication? No. Is that what the Lord is requiring of me? Again, no. So here I am, unpolished but present. Thanks for being with me.

A few days ago I was awoken from my slumber quite abruptly by a song blasting at full volume through our bedroom smart speaker. My husband and I listen to white noise because we are at that age and stage where we go to bed before our (noisy) kids. At about 4:30 the blissful white noise ended and “So, So Good” came on. I woke with a start, panicked for a minute and then put the white noise back on. The damage was already done, as any middle age woman can attest, and I could not easily get back to sleep. I have a little set of sleeper ear buds next to my bed for moments like this, so I slipped them in my ears and put on the offending song that rudely interrupted my precious sleep.

From morning to night, the lows and the highs
I look back on my life and all that I see
You’ve been so, so, so, so, so, so good to me

As I lay there listening to the words, the words washed over me and like the song said, I started remembering how good He’s been. He truly has been so, so, so, so, so, so good to me.

Yesterday in our meeting, many people shared how the Lord has been so good to them too. I love hearing these testimonies because it is so encouraging to hear how God has been working in the lives of people you love. I know that God has been good to me, but it’s not always easy to share. I wondered why I couldn’t stand up and share one thing, and it hit me. I don’t have one large thing, I have a million little things.

A lot of people will tell me that they pray for my family often because we have a hard life. My husband asked me once “do you think we have a hard life?” I immediately responded with a resounding NO! From the outside, I can see why it looks that way. We have two kids on the autism spectrum, and I’ve got debilitating lipedema. Life isn’t always a peach. But it isn’t a dry and wrinkly apricot either. (Nothing against dried apricots, they’re actually delicious).

When the kids were younger, there were pockets of time that were difficult. We went through periods that were so stressful and difficult because navigating special needs parenting can be exhausting and overwhelming and just downright hard. I would look at my friend’s kids who did all the things that normal kids would do and think how much easier that must be. But I’m not naive and I know appearances can be deceiving. It was probably difficult for them, just in different ways. I think that way now sometimes. Navigating through life with adult kids is new for us, and it looks a lot easier for my friends whose adult kids are out there in the world living life and doing all the things young adults should be doing. But again, I’m not naive and I know it’s not easy for them either, just in different ways.

But those million little things. When my kids were growing up, they were able to do things we never thought we would be able to do because of their autism. They were able to ride horses every single week because animals are therapy and there were therapeutic riding lessons available at a nearby stable. They were able to learn how to swim because being in the water calmed their bodies and soothed them down deep. These lessons are expensive when they happen every single week and at the time we were a single income family. But God, in his goodness, had all the cost covered by the provincial government through a program to support families with children with special needs. Week in and week out we would take the kids, and week in and week out we would be grateful. It was just an every day thing. But now when I think about all the things that we need to help them navigate as adults, I think back on the little things in their childhood and the ways that God was so, so, so, so, so, so good to them. If He loves them more than me, He’s not going to stop being good to them now. So my mama heart can just chill.

Those million little things in my life might actually be huge things. But they’re just little every day things that don’t sound so good on paper. Still, I’ll list a few:

I was raised by godly parents who have been a huge blessing to me all my life. I often take this for granted, but I have learned to appreciate this as a major blessing and the goodness of God. (Even if my teenage self could not wait to move out because ugh, parents!)

I am married to a wonderful godly man who repeatedly puts others before himself. He treats me like a queen even though I definitely don’t deserve it. (Just this morning before he started his 12 hour shift at 7 am he popped out to get me my favourite latte because I mentioned I was feeling so tired). He keeps doing a million little things like this, and I’m spoiled. I repeat, I do not deserve this man. But God in His abundant goodness decided I did.

I have two adult children who I genuinely like spending time with. I know every parent will say this, but it’s honestly true. They are funny, charming, helpful, caring individuals. I pray some day that others will see them the way that I do. They go over and above to do things to help their ailing mother (a slight exaggeration) and it’s just a joy to see.

I have been blessed with incredible friends. It brings me to tears just thinking about them. They just keep showing up, even if I keep cancel plans because I can’t do them. You’d think they would eventually be done with me, but they’re not. They love and support me over and over and over again in tiny things and in huge things. It actually blows my mind. I can’t even write much here because I feel like it needs its own separate one.

I have a job that I love. I was totally under qualified for this job, and I would never have applied for it if not for the gentle push of friends and family. There were over one hundred applicants who applied and somehow they chose me. In the almost three years I have been there I have been able to do the work and learn and grow along the way and it feels like the Lord had a plan for this all along. It is a joy and a privilege to work for a business that does the work of Matthew 25:35-40.

There are a million little things that I could list. I think of these things often and I keep adding to it. The thing is, my circumstances have never changed. In fact, my lipedema is getting worse. But God is good even when things aren’t. He keeps being so, so, so, so, so, so good to me, even if it doesn’t look like it from the outside in. Life is always like a roller coaster ride, but in the highs and the lows, His goodness never ever ever runs out. From our first breath to our last, He will continue to be good.

There will be times in my life that I don’t feel this way. Last year at this time life was exceedingly difficult. My health was declining and certain things were making it harder to be a human with dignity. I fell into a depression which as a happy go lucky kinda gal was new for me. I remember lying in bed one night and thinking it would be easier if God could just take me home now, rather than living every day in these conditions. (I know, I know. It sounds dramatic, but it actually happened). And the tiniest spark of light blinked in my heart and I remembered the ways that He has been so, so, so, so, so, so good to me. The more I thought about the million little things, the easier it became to get out of bed. Eventually He broke through and changed my heart and my circumstances (slightly, I still have lipedema). But it was a pivotal moment for me when I stopped looking at the bad and started to see the good.

When I say God is good, I mean all the time. In a million little ways. I’m thankful that I don’t just have one big story. Life is an adventure and I’m taking these million little things with me. Maybe they’ll get to be two million… or three! Can’t wait to see.