Relationships are a beautiful thing. When you are surrounded by people who love and care about you, everything seems brighter. But when relationships are strained, there is a heavy burden that weighs you down and darkens everything around you.

Sometimes there is suffering in relationships. It might be for a season, or it might be something that doesn’t change. In my experience, suffering in relationships is one of the worst trials a person could go through. When I have relationships that are strained it breaks my heart. Sometimes we don’t know why these things happen, why people are in our lives for a season and then gone again. Other times, we can look back and see God’s hand at work even in the midst of the suffering.

We can see the hand of God at work in Joseph’s story.  But before we get into that, let’s look at this powerful verse in Romans 8:28. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and and are called according to His purposes for them.” This sounds like such a wonderful verse. All things will work together for good! But sometimes, we can misconstrue this verse to make it seem like everything will be perfect. This verse doesn’t really say that, does it? When I read this verse for the first time, I naively thought perhaps this meant that everything would be hunky dory. Instead, I can clearly see through a different lens that life has shown me differently what this verse really means. It doesn’t promise for our lives to be filled with amazing things because God loves us and wants us to have a great life. Instead, it means that through trials and fire God will refine us to be perfect so that we can live a purposeful life through Him. Now, let’s see what that looked like for Joseph.

Joseph had been asked by Jacob to go and find out how his brothers were doing tending the sheep out in the pastures of Shechem. He was to come and report back to Jacob after he had met with his brothers. But his brothers had other plans for this beloved son. They decided to kill him, this dreamer that made their lives so miserable. But then, there was this one brother, Reuben, who didn’t want to see Joseph die. It doesn’t tell us why, because all the brothers hated Joseph. Perhaps God was using Reuben to help carry out his plan for Joseph. Because Reuben convinced his brothers to not kill Joseph, but to just throw him in a well where he would die of natural causes. (Although we know Reuben was actually planning on coming back for Joseph later). When Joseph arrived, that is what they did.

But his story doesn’t stop there. He doesn’t die in that well. His brothers see some slave traders coming and decide they can get rid of Joseph once and for all by selling him. And that is exactly what they do. Have you ever wondered how Joseph felt during all of this? In obedience to his father, he sets out to find his brothers. Instead of meeting up with them to get a report on their shepherding, his special coat is ripped off of him and he is thrown into an empty well. I wonder how he must have felt as he lay in the bottom of the well. He must have been hurt from the fall. He might have cried from pain and also from the actions of his brothers. We don’t know for sure. But if we can just imagine, it must have been hard for him. Then his brothers get him out of the well and SOLD HIM.

How heavy his heart must have been as he wandered off into the wilderness, once a free man part of a wealthy family, now a slave. A piece of property. He no longer had a place. He was rejected. He was seemingly worthless. His heart must have been broken. The uncertainties of what was to come must have been terrifying.

Interestingly enough, we read that Reuben returned to rescue Joseph from the well only to find that he was no longer there. He tore his clothes as a sign of grief. Maybe he was afraid to face Jacob. When he confronted this brothers and asked about it, they ripped up the colourful coat and dipped in animal’s blood so they had something to send back to Jacob. They knew he wouldn’t ask questions when this beautiful coat was in a state of disrepair. Jacob grieved the loss of his precious son, believing he had been attacked and killed by an animal on his way to find his brothers.

But the story doesn’t end there. Because God’s story for us won’t leave us broken. His plans for our lives never end. It was the same for Joseph. At this point in the story, it is not easy to see how God is working this together for good. But it does.

Joseph continues on the Egypt, where he is sold to Potiphar who worked for the king of Egypt. His story picks up in Genesis 39. My favourite verse is 2, “the Lord was with Joseph, so he succeeded in everything he did as he served in the home of his Egyptian master.” Did you catch that? Don’t miss this – the Lord was with Joseph. He was in a strange land, stripped of his privileges. He was away from his family and the father who loved him. But he was not alone. God was with him, in the midst of his suffering.

Not only was the Lord with Joseph, but he allowed Jospeh to succeed in everything he did – something that did not escape the notice of Potiphar. He gave Joseph extra privileges, and Joseph did not disappoint him. Eventually, Joseph had full rule and reign over all the goings on in Potiphar’s house – so much so, that Potiphar never had to worry because Joseph was handling everything. Here we see that Joseph was in a period of blessing. Things were going well for him. But just like any of our lives, we have seasons. And Joseph’s season of blessing came to an abrupt end when Potiphar’s wife noticed the handsome man that was running the household. She pressured him day after day to sleep with her, but Joseph refused and tried to stay out of her way as much as he could. Until one day, she tried to force him and when he refused and ran away, she lied to her husband saying he was the one trying to force himself on her. Potiphar puts Joseph in prison.

So here Joseph is again, wrongfully accused and sitting in prison. Not just any prison, but the prison where the king’s prisoners were held. So he sat there, in what was probably a terrible and filthy prison. Not at all like the prisons we have today. My heart aches for Joseph, who had done nothing wrong but was thrown away yet again. When we go through trials where we feel wrongfully accused, we often look for justice. Sometimes we question God. We think if God really cared for us, He wouldn’t allow for things like this to happen. But here is the beautiful truth for Joseph, and for us as well. Guess where He was in the midst of this? Verse 21 says, “but the Lord was with Joseph in the prison and showed him His faithful love. And the Lord made Joseph a favourite with the prison warden.” Again the Lord was with him. Rejected, but not abandoned by God.

And here God works again in Joseph’s life. At this time, it was probably hard for Joseph to see what God was doing. But the second part of that verse gives us a hint – the prison warden liked Joseph. And just like Potiphar, eventually the prison warden put Joseph in charge of the prison and all the prisoners. Like Potiphar, he didn’t have to worry because Joseph was handling it for him.

But God doesn’t leave Joseph in that prison. While Joseph is in charge of the prisoners, Pharaoh the Egyptian king is offended by his chief baker and his chief cup barer. We don’t really know what they did, but it was bad enough for Pharaoh to decide to throw them in jail. While they are in there, they have strange dreams and are upset. Joseph notices this and asks them to tell them about their dreams. God helps him to interpret their dreams and his interpretation becomes prophecy. What he said comes to pass. But he also asked that Pharaoh be told his story so that he wouldn’t have to be in prison for something he hadn’t done.  And guess what? Forgotten again. It doesn’t happen.

Again, Joseph must have wondered what God’s plan was in all of this. For two more years, he sat in jail. For two more years, he was forgotten. Until Pharaoh had a strange dream and the chief cup barer remembers the man in jail who had interpreted his dream. So Joseph is given an audience with the king. God allows him to translate Pharaoh’s dreams and warn him of hard times that will be coming. Pharaoh is pleased and honours him by making him head of all of Egypt, changing his name, giving him a wife, and changing his life completely. A season of blessing had arrived for Joseph once again. But this isn’t the end of the story.

Joseph had interpreted Pharaoh’s dream and warned him that a famine was coming. God allowed them to prepare for the famine. They had some wonderful years with overflowing harvests and were able to store food for those years when the famine would be raging through their lands. Because of this, Joseph faced his past. And God was with him, even then.

Have you ever had a bad experience in the past that rears it’s ugly head in your present? Maybe someone who had hurt you comes back into your life. I have been there before, and it is not easy to face them. As I mentioned before, strained relationships can be extremely painful. Forgiveness does not come naturally. And here Joseph, the second in command to Pharaoh meets his brothers once again. There was no food in their land, so they had travelled to Egypt in hopes of getting some food so they would not die. And who was in charge of the food? Joseph.

I find this so interesting. The brothers don’t recognize Joseph, but he recognizes them. They had no idea what happened to their brother after they sold him into slavery. But he was just that, a slave. Slaves don’t rule Egypt. How could they know their brother was the one standing before them? But even more amazing is how Joseph deals with it all. He throws them in prison. I will admit, this part makes me smile – they kind of deserve it, right? But he lets all but one go, with food, and asks them to return with their younger brother – one Joseph has never met. And then he returns their money!

The brothers are terrified of what will happen to them. They return to Jacob and tell him all that has happened. He is devestated and refuses to allow them to take his son Benjamin. But then things get worse and they run out of food, so he changes his mind. He makes the brothers take back double the money that was returned to them, as well as other gifts. When they return to Egypt, they are taken right into the house of Joseph. At this point, they were shaking in their sandals. What was going on? They were sure they were doomed and tried to pay the money back that was returned to them. Instead of being punished, their brother who had been in prison was returned to them. When Joseph arrives, he is filled with emotion at the sight of his younger brother and has to leave again. When he returns, he eats with them at his own table, a place of privilege.

Joseph loves on his brothers with a love they don’t deserve. Does that sound familiar? Kind of like how Christ loves on you and me with a love we don’t deserve. The last thing these brothers deserved was to be treated like royalty. But the story doesn’t end there. He sends them off with more food, but he also devises a plan to make it look like they stole from him. When they are forced to return back to them, the brothers plead for the life of their younger brother Benjamin, who has made to look like he was the thief. Joseph allows for him to live and because he can’t stand it any longer, he tells them who he really is, weeping so loud that everyone outside his house can hear.

And then, the truth. The precious truth of God’s story for Joseph. When Joseph confesses his identity to his brothers in Genesis 45:5 he says, “don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives.” Joseph could finally see the fruit of his seasons of suffering. He said to his brothers in verse 8, “so it was God who sent me here, not you! And He is the one who made me an advisor to Pharaoh – the manager of his entire place and the governor of all Egypt.”

Eventually Jacob is brought back to Egypt, and Pharaoh who heard the entire story, invites all of them to stay and have the best of his land. In what could only be a series of God ordained events, everyone is redeemed in this story.

Just like Joseph, we can go through seasons of suffering. In these times of suffering, it is hard to see God working in our lives. Let’s take Joseph’s story to heart here – when he was serving as a servant, the Lord was with him. When he was in prison, the Lord was with him. 2 Corinthians 4:7-8 says this:

Suffering. It seems like this is something we can’t escape today. No matter where you look, there is suffering of all kinds and in every walk of life.

What is suffering? It is defined as the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. It is  to experience, be affected by or be subjected to something bad or unpleasant. This word originates from the latin word “sufferre,” which, when broken down means sub (from below) and ferre (to bear).  When thinking about this, the very word seems like something tragic and troublesome. Still, sometimes there is joy even in the darkest times of our life and in such terrible periods of suffering.

One of my favourite passages of scripture is found in James 1:2-4. “Dear brothers and sisters, when trouble comes your way consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” Just sit back for a moment and really think about that verse. This concept of having joy through suffering really appeals to me. In fact, I would love to unpack this based on Scripture but there is so much goodness and evidence of joy in suffering in God’s word, it is far too much for just one blog post. So today, let’s just take a look at Naomi in the book of Ruth.

Ruth is a wonderful story. Ironically enough, it is wedged in between Judges and 1 Samuel in the Bible. In these other books of the Bible, you read about the Isrealites who have settled in to the promised land. Their two faithful leaders Moses and Joshua have died, and so the Isrealites have really lost their way. They are messing up and making mistakes all over the place. As it says in Judges 21:25, “in those days, Isreal had no king and the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes.”  Then in 1 Samuel, they get their king but it doesn’t completely turn out as they expect and there is a lot of death and bloodshed. What a mess! Then, like a rose between two thorns, we find this book of Ruth.

Ruth is a beautiful story of loyalty, love and redemption. It is also one of the shortest books of the Bible that you can read in one sitting (and I encourage you to do so, if you have not already). In a nutshell, hard times fall on Ruth and her mother in law Naomi, and they have to figure out a way to survive and thrive – as soon as they can. Let’s take a deeper look.

The book of Ruth opens with a nightmare. In fact, it is one of my biggest fears. It sets the scene that things are not going well for Isreal, and there is famine and suffering in the land. Some people have to leave their homes and move elsewhere to look for food and nourishment due to a famine. Such is the case for Naomi and Ruth, who is married to one of Naomi’s sons. Then, the unspeakable happens. Naomi’s husband dies. Oh, so broken is the heart of a woman whose love is lost. If I close my eyes and truly think of it, my heart breaks for Naomi here – because to lose my husband is my biggest fear. I don’t know what Naomi’s marriage was like, but mine is so blessed. I am married to a wonderful man of God who loves and cares for me so deeply. Someone who God has graciously placed in my life. I can only imagine the heartache that Elimilech’s death must have caused. Still, women take comfort in those they love, and Naomi had her two sons Mahlon and Kilion.

Let’s pause here for a moment and take a look at these names. Names are all over the Bible and they all hold special significance and meaning. In thinking about suffering, it is important to consider the implication these names provide.

Elimilech – God is my king
Naomi – pleasant
Mahlon – sickness
Kilion – destruction
Ruth – friend
Orpah – back of the neck
Boaz – by strength

Looking at all those names, what stands out the most? The names of Naomi’s two sons. Yikes! Why would you name your children that? But it is interesting to see that these two names of the sons really translate into suffering. Which is interesting, because Scripture tells us that only ten years after Elimilech died, her two sons died as well.

Oh, Naomi! Here she has no husband. Her two younger sons were gone, and neither one of them had had any children. Naomi was heartbroken and feeling so alone. It is interesting to see what happens here, after she is left without her husband and sons. She turns to her two daughter in laws and offers them the opportunity of escape. You see, back then women could not just run out and get a job that would allow them to live as they had been living. The death of your husband would leave you dirt poor with little hope. So Naomi encourages these two women to go back home to their parents to be looked after. Orpah decides to leave, but Naomi out of love for her mother law decides to stay. She pledges her love and allegiance to her mother n law, even though the future is very uncertain.

The story continues with the two women travelling back to Naomi’s home land. Without her husband and sons, she is feeling broken and wants to change her name to Mara (which means bitter), “for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?” Uh oh. Do you see what Naomi is doing here? Not only is she playing the blame game, she outright says that God is purposefully trying to cause her harm. Does that sound like something a loving God would do?

Let’s take a step back and think about how much like Naomi we can be. When we face tragedy of any kind, we struggle to understand why God has allowed something  so terrible to happen. Deep tragedies like the loss of a spouse, a still born baby, or news of a devastating illness can cause us to temporarily forget that overall God is GOOD. We forget that He loves us. We forget that He orchestrates everything in and around us for our good. Do we need a reminder? Psalm 119:68 says, “You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees.” Not enough? Psalm 145:9 – “The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all His creation.” Yes, even in suffering, God is so good.

It is difficult to look at a tragic situation filled with such suffering and see the good in it. It is even more difficult to see the God in it. Sometimes, we will never know the reason why we have had to go through the dark and troubling times in our lifetime. But when we look at Biblical examples like this, it can give us hope and it can give us JOY.

Okay, so Naomi is angry at God. But that is not the end of her story. She and Ruth continue on with their story. In order to survive, Ruth has to go out into a farmer’s field and scavenge to see what she can find in hopes to be able to collect enough grains to make some bread. It was not coincidence that she wound up working in a field belonging to Boaz. That was all part of God’s plan for Ruth and Naomi.

You see, back in the day there was something called a “kinsman redeemer.”  This was basically a man who was in some way related to the family member who had died. It was their responsibility to marry and protect the widow who was left behind, and hopefully to provide an heir to carry on the family name. Do you see the hope here? Naomi, who was facing down a life of loneliness and defeat was given a second chance at a family. Ruth could have taken Naomi’s advice and run off to her parents like Orpah did. Instead, she chose to stay with Naomi. That decision to stay opened up the opportunity for a fresh new possibility of a full life. And that is exactly what God gave them. But as only God can, He did something really, really cool here. Let’s take a look.

Ruth goes into the fields that Boaz owns and asks for permission to pick up any grain the farmers might drop. Granted permission, she works away all day in the hot blazing sun. I don’t know about you, but that does not sound like a fun time. That sounds like a lot of work for a little result – a loaf of bread to share with her mother in law. But Ruth works and works, and while she works, Boaz notices her. He seeks out information about her, and reaches out to her in kindness, asking his servants to allow her to pick her grain right alongside them instead of her scrounging for leftovers. Then when she asks him why she is being so kind to him (since she is a Moabite, and the Moabites did not always see eye to eye with the people of Judah), he points out that her character has preceeded her. Chapter 2:11-12 say, “I know everything you have done for your mother in law since the death of your husband. I have heard you left your father and mother and your own land to live here among complete strangers. May the Lord, the God of Isreal, under whose wings you have taken refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” And that is exactly what He does.

Ruth eventually tells Boaz he is their kinsman redeemer. She puts herself out there to be looked at a potential wife. Boaz agrees, but realizing there is another man who is actually closer in relation to Naomi, has to check with him first. If that man is able to marry Ruth, then he must do it out of duty. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have to wait to find out who would marry her. In the end, the other man is unable to marry her because it might have a negative impact on his own estate, so Boaz marries Ruth and they eventually have a son. Are you ready for the cool part? Are you ready for the JOY that comes from this suffering? As if a new baby to cuddle is not enough…

Boaz and Ruth had a son named Obed. Eventually, when he grew up he became the father of Jesse. And Jesse was the father of that shepherd boy named David who faced a giant named Goliath and eventually became a King. And David…well, David was a man after God’s own heart who actually was part of Jesus’ family tree. Did you catch that? Let’s not miss this beautiful truth. Naomi’s sons died and left her without a grandchild, but because Ruth stayed with her and married Boaz, they had a sweet little baby boy who was an ancestor of JESUS the Messiah. (You can read the entire lineage in Matthew 1:1-17). And Naomi? She loved that baby so. Ruth 4:16 says, “Naomi took the baby and cuddled him to her breast. And she cared for him as if he were her own.”

Naomi suffered a devastating loss. She was angry at God. She might have wondered why He had allowed the death of her sons at such a young age. She might have grieved more because she had no grandchildren. But God allowed for her suffering to be part of her greatest joy.  How wonderful that there is beauty in the brokenness and that we have a good God who gives such great gifts to His children.

My mind is a jumbled mess. I will be doing the laundry or laying in bed when random words pop into my head. Existentialism. Sesquipedalian. Dogmatism. When my mind is empty, these words fill it up. And it’s exhausting. I used to be an educated woman, once upon a time. Maybe I still am. But all I feel is tired.

If I take a step back, I still know what those words mean. I don’t really believe in existentialsim. I have the potential to be a sesquipedalian but I am way too tired for that now, and it really seems so pompous anyhow. And dogmatism is some theological thing I suffered through back in college that I found extremely boring at the time.

As I sit here folding laundry the words keep coming and I can’t shut them off. Words that taunt me. Words that make me feel like I should be doing something else with my life. But that’s not right, is it? Because, I believe God has placed me here.

We make our own plans for ourselves sometimes, don’t we? Amazing and grand plans that we have for our life, but when it eventually unfolds life is nothing like we expected. If your life is actually how you planned it, that’s amazing and you are one of the few. “People may make plans in their minds, but the Lord decides what they will do.” Proverbs 16:9 (NCV).

That verse makes me smile because it is so my life. I had so many grand plans to just do and be. Do things that I thought would make me great. Be someone successful. God had other plans, and so I sit sorting and folding laundry and thinking of words from my past.

Because there is peace in knowing you are living in God’s planned path. There is peace in doing that, and in being that person. That is more freeing than existentialism. That is more important than being like a sesquipedalian shooting smart and educated words around. I am sure that is better than dogmatism too, because you’re doing what God wants for your life and not concerning yourself about being right without evidence or concern of circumstance. It’s just being with God. Listening to and obeying His divine appointments.

My divine appointments? They are so simple. Making a cake for my family to enjoy after I’ve seen them out shovelling our driveway full of snow, and the neighbours too. Looking around at my tidy house and noticing the children have done an exceptional job on their chores. And that little whisper that says bake the cake. And so I bake it.

My divine appointments can be blessings. Like working in a job that is below my experience, because God handed it to me. That job? It’s the perfect fit. I can leave in a flash to go and deal with my children should need be, without consequence. There’s really no job like that.

My divine appointments can be complicated too. When I got married, the plans I had made was to work in a job that would make me a career woman. Instead, we had a blessing pregnancy – immediately. Unplanned, but perfectly planned by God. That whisper of stay home, stay home was so difficult to listen to. But oh, how I needed to say home for the unexpected things that were to come. The autism diagnosises. The heartache. The need for a mother to be a focal point, to be available, to be as reliable as the rising sun.

Sometimes, my mind can be a jumbled mess of words from my past. Words from my present. Words. But when I hear those words and they taunt me, evoking regret – I stop. I pause and remember those divine appointments of the past – those whispered words I have listened to and the path they have taken me on. So I pause and pray and am thankful and ready for the next ones.

Until then, I’ll be folding laundry. Cooking dinner, sweeping floors, baking cakes. Doing something mindless because that’s something I’ve been chosen by God to do.

It’s easy to see disaster. Everywhere you look there seems to be something terrible happening. Whether it be globally with natural disasters, federally with the state of the economy, something closer to your own town, or even in your own home. Trouble seems to find its way into every day living. 

Sometimes when you are feeling down and out, and worrying about what is going to happen next or how you are going to deal with what is happening now, you wonder. Where are you, God? Can you see me? Are you even watching what is going on? Do you even care? 

Or maybe you do know He is listening. Maybe you just don’t think He cares about what is happening in your life because you think He only cares about huge issues like earthquakes and wars. Or about bigger health problems like cancer or another terminal illness. 

Psalm 77:8-9 show us a little piece of  the writer’s heart.  Today, we’re going to look at how he felt here – how he was feeling like God didn’t care. He was basically asking, where are you, God?

Sitting in a coffee shop, soulful music playing. The sound of grinding coffee as the aroma assails my senses. I look around and see other people  milling around me. My eyes are drawn to a girl at the table next to me. Propped up beside her is an overflowing bag – books spilling out around her feet. On the table beside her coffee cup is a large text and an array of highlighters. I smile. I used to be that girl…

I seems so long ago that I sat in this same coffee shop. Nestled in a amongst other businesses downtown, it can be a place of solitude. I would come here to study. Yes, I was that girl with a bag full of books. I was the girl with the massive amount of assignments with deadlines looming. As I sipped my latte, my  eyebrows furrowed with worry – would it all be completed in time?

Yes. From this perspective, everything was completed in time. The degrees were earned. The success celebrated. The thirst for knowledge quenched and the sense of adventure awaiting me. But it didn’t last. It passed along with other dreams.

I sit and sip my latte now as a group of girls enter together, laughing as they place thier order. I smile. I was once in a group of those girls as well. It seems forever ago now. So carefree, no pressures. No stresses. Just fun. I have been that girl. But she is long gone now.

I look up and see another woman, accomplished. Dressed smartly, a powerhouse career woman who places her order and leaves in a rush of wind that brought her in. I smile at her – but not because I was her. I never actually was, though I dreamed about it. And let’s be honest, sometimes I still do. I wonder what it is like to be at the top of the game. What is it like to be a career woman? Does she feel fulfilled? I’ll never know. I can’t imagine being on the clock after the sun has gone down.

Then I see a woman I recognize. She looks tired and weary. She grabs a coffee with her husband who looks equally as worn out as she does. As they sink into the armchairs in the corner, I almost hear their collective sighs. Yes, I know you. Right now, I am you.

What have I become? Looking back at all these different woman who I have once been or once dreamed of being brings a twinge of discontent. I had such dreams. I had such goals. I would be a successful journalist. I would write a book. I would marry and have children. I would truly have it all.

How many of us look back on our lives and realize we have acheived our dreams? I would hazard a guess that perhaps not many of us have reached that place. And from where I sit right now, stealing glances of all these other people – I am okay with not acheiving mine.

Let me be real. It is currently a desire of mine to write a book. I don’t know what I would write about. But sometimes, I dream of holding a book in my hands with my name on the cover. It is as real as my dream was to be a career woman some years ago. But dreams change. And I now know why.

God has different plans.

Psalm 16:9 says, “we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” Oh, how I understand this. It wasn’t in my plans to have children right away after I got married. That career woman plan was foiled with two pink lines that showed up on a test my last semester when I was mere weeks away from earning my second degree. A rush of emotions of excitement, fear and disappointment assailed me. But then as the weeks went on, only excitement. And when I saw that sweet baby face, fresh from my own womb – elation. I was blessed to experience this again, when my second son was born.

Plans changed. I became a stay at home mom – with that career woman plan pushed to the back burner. I was not ready to give up. Plan B was written – I would wait until my children were in school and then would become the career woman I wanted to be.

Plans changed once more. An autism diagnosis. And then another.  A series of phone calls from the school requesting my presence. Over and over and over again. Goodbye, career woman.

The funny thing is, it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would to let that dream go. It feels like letting this dream go would hurt more. But, I am prepared. Because in the past ten years I have learned that His plans matter more.

My children are my career. Oh, how they need me. They depend on me to be there consistently. They need me to be there for them in so many different ways. The one to fight for them and their needs. The one who will sit through monthly meetings discussing their behaviour and acadmic struggles. The one who will make sure the house is clean, the laundry is done, the supper is on the table. The one who will guide them to make right choices. The one who will sit beside them as they cry. Who will hold them when they are the only one who hasn’t been invited to a birthday party. Again.

God’s path is staring me right in the face. As I sit here sippnig this latte in this quiet coffee shop, I know that. I don’t know if I will ever write a book (although I sure have lots to write about). This time that I have dedicated to write once a week often seems silly to me – I am not a writer. The dream is still there, but in my heart I know my God is enough. This blog is enough.

What have I become? Long gone is the carefree girl. Long gone the studious woman. Instead, a tired Mom who breathes a sigh of relief as she sits down with a latte and a laptop and writes. And I am so thankful for God’s path – because it is better than anything I could ever have dreamed up.