Running, Bitterness, and Truth

December 7, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha Borden1 Comment

My husband is an amazing guy. He’s stuck by my side through thick and thin, as good husbands do. He held my hand during the dreaded autism diagnosis for not one, but both of our children. He held me as I sobbed like the emotional, hot mess I was. He has taken a stand not in front of me, or even behind me, but beside me as we’ve watched my health and especially my mobility deteriorate. He’s dealt with the pieces that fall over the place in this family with heaping doses of grace.

But sometimes that takes a toll on a person. Day after day, the burden can become great. I know this, because I’ve felt it too. Many hard days pass. The burdening of life day after day can be emotionally exhausting. It can break you down bit by bit, piece by piece. I remember praying for something to do to help with the feeling of the broken places in my life – I knew only God could truly fill me up and cover the brokenness. But I fall short, and I wanted something tangible. I found this in creative outlets. First scrapbooking, then card making. I did these for years, and they worked well until they didn’t anymore. I prayed for something new, and unexpectedly found it in crocheting, something I’d decided early on in life I’d never be able to do. Still, I learned and now love the feel of different fibres and yarns as they glide over my hook.

But as I did these things, finding peace in the process, I watched my husband. The strain of life on his shoulders. Every day he would be working, then coming home to his family. He didn’t have any friends close by, so he rarely went out. I prayed over and over for friends for my husband. Last year, he started attending a small group outside of our church that better fit his demanding work schedule, and my prayers were answered. He made friends who shared his faith and cared about him. He became a texter. My heart smiled.

Still, the weight of our life, while lifted by sharing his burdens with his small group friends, was still taking a toll. I encouraged him to find a hobby, something to help him. He wasn’t completely on board with my suggestion, not being a gamer or very into sports. He dabbled in a few things here and there, but nothing stuck. Until now.

My husband is a runner. He loves it. He needs it. And I’m so thankful. But to be honest, I didn’t always feel that way. Watching my husband participate in such a healthy hobby made me feel insecure about myself. My exercise routine isn’t great, thanks to my special circumstances. It makes exercising excruciatingly painful, and I only do it because I have to. There is no joy in it. So watching my husband enjoy a sport so much made my heart ache. I was filled with bitterness. He asked me to come and watch him participate in his first race this summer and I did, but not with a joyful heart. I couldn’t stand the thought of his fellow athletes looking at me in disgust as I cheered him on. But cheer him on I did, and when he unexpectedly placed in the race I did feel proud. But the bitterness was eating at me from the inside out.

He started spending money on his hobby, buying new shoes, clothing and other gear. He joined a group of other believers who meet twice a week to run and fellowship together. The weight of our life was lifting more and more with every passing day. But mine was getting heavier and heavier.

It was difficult for me to listen to him talking about running and races, because I had zero interest in the subject. But he listens to me talk about my crochet projects, and a good marriage is one full of love and respect, so I listened. I even purchased things for him – to help make things easier for running on the dark, wintry nights. Still, my heart needed to change.

So I turned to the One who removes all bitterness, pleading for a change of heart. Honestly? I’m not there yet. He has a Christmas party this week and I’m invited to attend. Just thinking about it, I feel my insecurities are creeping in. They’re all lovely people, but I don’t feel like I’m good enough to sit amongst a bunch of runners and share a meal.

One thing I’m learning is that the only way for my heart to change is to accept some truths about myself and throw out the lies that I’m less of a person because I’m not athletic. At all.

First Truth – The more I compare, the emptier I feel. I don’t like feeling empty. But every time I compare myself to a group of runners, it saps up what fills up my soul. What fills up my soul? My purpose. Which leads me to my next truth.

Second Truth – My value is not found in what I can and can’t do, or how I look or don’t look, but in how Christ sees me and how He defines me. He doesn’t define me as a bitter, empty woman, but as someone who has a specific job to love and encourage others. And you know what? When I do this, I’m filled with joy.

Third truth – When I’m doing my Jesus work, and spending time with Him, there’s no room for bitterness. Enough said.

So, yesterday when my hubby participated in another race, got a silver medal, and had his picture in the paper, I was honest to goodness proud of him. I was able to share in his excitement and not be wrapped up in my own insecurities.

I’m sure he’ll be in more races. In fact, I know he will be, because we were already looking ahead to see what was coming up in the new year. I’m praying that going forward, I’ll remember these truths and be able to cheer him on with a joyful heart. Worrying about him not falling on the ice and seriously injuring himself during his winter runs is another story. I have a feeling God has a lot more work to do on my heart yet. He’s picking up the pieces of our lives and making them fit because that’s what He does. He’s faithful, and I’m thankful.

*Special thanks to Sole2Soul for the pictures!*

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How Christians Should Vote

October 17, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha Borden1 Comment

In just a few days, Canadians will be voting in another federal election. Tensions are high and more people are deciding it is time to start voting, even if they never have before. While some people vote for a particular party they believe their goals and visions are alligned with, many people are at a loss. Several people I have talked with have expressed discontent with the upcoming election. Someone even said point blankly, “it matters not who is elected in. This country is in dire cicumstances regardless.” So what do we even do?

Fifteen years ago if you had told me I would write about politics, I would have laughed in your face. I was not a fan of politics. I was not a fan of politicians. I hated discussing it, and I think I even vowed I would never vote. I believe I went so far as to say it wasn’t important to me. Oh, how naive I was. I wish I could go back and take some of those words back. Now, I can see the importance of voting. Now I can see that political agendas are actually just things that matter to people who live in Canada. Politicians are just people. And we are all free.

It is nice to live in a country where we are free. Free to say what we want say. Free to practice religion. Free to vote for who we feel compelled to vote for. But while we are free to do all these things according to Canadian law, we have to remember that none of these things are free of consequences.

If you follow my blog, you likely know I am a Christian. All that means is that I have been given a second chance at life because Christ died on the cross for my sins. Being a Christian does not mean that I am perfect. Oh, my how far from perfect I truly am. I keep messing up over and over again. I say things I shouldn’t say. I do things I shouldn’t do. I wish I could be perfect, but I fall short of perfection just like everyone else. Still, I need to try. And when I fail, I need to ask for forgiveness and just keep going.

I have fallen short of perfection in regards to this election. I have lost my cool a time or two. Mostly because I don’t like to be bullied into voting for any particular party. I want to be just like any other Canadian with the freedom to vote for whomever I choose. But like a fellow blogger said this week, I am a Christian first and a Canadian second. As a Christian, I need to live like Christ. I need to be a light to the world. A glowing and reliable light, not a flash of fire that rages and then burns out.

Here is what I know to be true. While exercisng my Canadian rights to freedom, I need to find that balance that comes with freedom in Christ. Freedom in Christ is a pouring out the Spirit, giving me the desire to live the life that He has planned for me. The desire to make choices that are God honouring. Galatians 5:13 says, “for you have been called to live in freedom my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.” While arguing with others about the upcoming election, have I been serving others in love? No. I clearly need a lot of work.

Mercifully, there is hope. Hope seems to be a constant theme in my life. So why not apply it to the election, too? Proverbs 3:6 says, “Seek His will in all you do, and He wll show you which path to take.” This is my answer to this election. It is so simple, really. Instead of looking to the politicians for answers, I should be seeking truth in Christ. So this weekend, before the polls open on Monday, I implore you to pray.

“Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Phlippians 4:6-7)

That is my life verse. I need to remind myself of it often. When we are caught in the trappings of this world. When we are lost in political squabbles. When we just do not know how to vote, we can pray. Spirit filled prayer that goes straight from our hearts, to our lips, to the Father. And the best part? Our all knowing God is waiting for us at the other end of this. He already knows who will be the next Prime Minister of Canada. And He’s got a plan.

“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your fath is in God alone. Do not waiver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6

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What Have I Become?

September 30, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Sitting in a coffee shop, soulful music playing. The sound of grinding coffee as the aroma assails my senses. I look around and see other people milling around me. My eyes are drawn to a girl at the table next to me. Propped up beside her is an overflowing bag – books spilling out around her feet. On the table beside her coffee cup is a large text and an array of highlighters. I smile. I used to be that girl…

I seems so long ago that I sat in this same coffee shop. Nestled in a amongst other businesses downtown, it can be a place of solitude. I would come here to study. Yes, I was that girl with a bag full of books. I was the girl with the massive amount of assignments with deadlines looming. As I sipped my latte, my eyebrows furrowed with worry – would it all be completed in time?

Yes. From this perspective, everything was completed in time. The degrees were earned. The success celebrated. The thirst for knowledge quenched and the sense of adventure awaiting me. But it didn’t last. It passed along with other dreams.

I sit and sip my latte now as a group of girls enter together, laughing as they place thier order. I smile. I was once in a group of those girls as well. It seems forever ago now. So carefree, no pressures. No stresses. Just fun. I have been that girl. But she is long gone now.

I look up and see another woman, accomplished. Dressed smartly, a powerhouse career woman who places her order and leaves in a rush of wind that brought her in. I smile at her – but not because I was her. I never actually was, though I dreamed about it. And let’s be honest, sometimes I still do. I wonder what it is like to be at the top of the game. What is it like to be a career woman? Does she feel fulfilled? I’ll never know. I can’t imagine being on the clock after the sun has gone down.

Then I see a woman I recognize. She looks tired and weary. She grabs a coffee with her husband who looks equally as worn out as she does. As they sink into the armchairs in the corner, I almost hear their collective sighs. Yes, I know you. Right now, I am you.

What have I become? Looking back at all these different woman who I have once been or once dreamed of being brings a twinge of discontent. I had such dreams. I had such goals. I would be a successful journalist. I would write a book. I would marry and have children. I would truly have it all.

How many of us look back on our lives and realize we have acheived our dreams? I would hazard a guess that perhaps not many of us have reached that place. And from where I sit right now, stealing glances of all these other people – I am okay with not acheiving mine.

Let me be real. It is currently a desire of mine to write a book. I don’t know what I would write about. But sometimes, I dream of holding a book in my hands with my name on the cover. It is as real as my dream was to be a career woman some years ago. But dreams change. And I now know why.

God has different plans.

Psalm 16:9 says, “we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” Oh, how I understand this. It wasn’t in my plans to have children right away after I got married. That career woman plan was foiled with two pink lines that showed up on a test my last semester when I was mere weeks away from earning my second degree. A rush of emotions of excitement, fear and disappointment assailed me. But then as the weeks went on, only excitement. And when I saw that sweet baby face, fresh from my own womb – elation. I was blessed to experience this again, when my second son was born.

Plans changed. I became a stay at home mom – with that career woman plan pushed to the back burner. I was not ready to give up. Plan B was written – I would wait until my children were in school and then would become the career woman I wanted to be.

Plans changed once more. An autism diagnosis. And then another. A series of phone calls from the school requesting my presence. Over and over and over again. Goodbye, career woman.

The funny thing is, it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would to let that dream go. It feels like letting this dream go would hurt more. But, I am prepared. Because in the past ten years I have learned that His plans matter more.

My children are my career. Oh, how they need me. They depend on me to be there consistently. They need me to be there for them in so many different ways. The one to fight for them and their needs. The one who will sit through monthly meetings discussing their behaviour and acadmic struggles. The one who will make sure the house is clean, the laundry is done, the supper is on the table. The one who will guide them to make right choices. The one who will sit beside them as they cry. Who will hold them when they are the only one who hasn’t been invited to a birthday party. Again.

God’s path is staring me right in the face. As I sit here sippnig this latte in this quiet coffee shop, I know that. I don’t know if I will ever write a book (although I sure have lots to write about). This time that I have dedicated to write once a week often seems silly to me – I am not a writer. The dream is still there, but in my heart I know my God is enough. This blog is enough.

What have I become? Long gone is the carefree girl. Long gone the studious woman. Instead, a tired Mom who breathes a sigh of relief as she sits down with a latte and a laptop and writes. And I am so thankful for God’s path – because it is better than anything I could ever have dreamed up.

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Taming the Tongue

August 22, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

One of my favourite songs is Ever Be by Bethel. The chorus boasts, “Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips.” I love the preceding line that says “faithful You have been and faithful You will be, you pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing…”

I do sing. I sing all the time. In the shower. In the kitchen while making meals. Driving in the car. Always singing songs of praise to God. But then, in the next few minutes something happens that causes me to become frustrated, offended, or angry…and I change my tune. How can I praise God with my lips and then a few minutes layer spew angry words over something frustrating?

James 1:26 says, “If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless.” Ouch. That stings a little bit.

Let’s look at this another way. If you are get a raise at work the very same day a new tax law comes into place – your new raise is cancelled out by the taxes you now will have to pay. In the same way, when you sing praises to God one moment and then in the next few moments can’t control your tongue – does not one action cancel out the other?

It is so hard to grasp how something so simple can have a magnitude of ramifications and consequences. James really lays it all out here in 3:5-10, “the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire,. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison, Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.”

These are convicting words. But there is hope. Even in the midst of this convicting statement, James says in verse 2, “indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.” There is hope because in the midst of the brokenness, God looks to your heart and sees you trying. It is never easy. We always fail, in one way or another. But when we strive towards perfection, though we will never achieve it here on earth, it pleases Him.

While we are struggling, we can always reach out to Him to help us. How he loves for us to call on His name and gives generously to those who do so. In Psalm 141:3 the psalmist David prays, “take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips.” I have a friend who says she prays this prayer every day, because she struggles with saying things that may come across as offensive to some when she doesn’t intend to be hurtful or unkind.

Taming the tongue is a lifelong struggle for many people. Controlling the tongue might mean not lying. It might mean not swearing. It might mean not speaking out in anger. All of these things are challenging for us because we live in a world of broken people. But we do have hope, “for God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.”

That power? It’s not your typical super hero power that you might see in the movies. Can you grasp this power? Can you think about this power with me, for just a minute? Ephesians 1:19 says, “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him in the place of honour at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.” Oh, that power. YES, THAT POWER! That power, lives in YOU. When you receive the gift of salvation, you receive this inner strength through His spirit. That power is in you. So on days when you feel like a failure, think on this.

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Phil. 3:20

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Mortgage Insurance – Are You Sure You’ll Get A Payout After You Die?

August 20, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

*I know this isn’t my typical posting material, but after doing some research on this topic, I felt compelled to share it with others as it seems very important.*

When we bought our house two years ago, it was a bit of a whirlwind. We decided to look around, and I contacted a real estate agent. In about twenty minutes, she was over at our house with spec sheets of different houses to look at – at 10:00 p.m. The whole buying process was too quick for my liking – but that’s another story for another day. Today, I want to talk about mortgage insurance.

First, although I work at a life insurance company, I am not a financial advisor or life insurance salesperson – therefore, I do not have a professional opinion on the matter. However, I do have a personal opinion, and like to think I have learned quite a bit about the topic of insurance while on the job. And what I have to share, I am pretty sure you are going to want to know.

In the midst of the quick house tours and the rapid purchase offers and then the piles of paperwork that comes with buying a house is a little thing called mortgage insurance. When we were purchasing our house, I specifically remember this moment – maybe because I work around others who work in the insurance business – but out of all those moments, I remember being asked about insurance. I do value life insurance, so I decided to sign up for mortgage insurance as well. Never again. Want to know why? I’ve learned a lot.

Here are some important things you need to know that they do not tell you…

Premiums will go up while the coverage will go down. When you apply for your mortgage insurance, you are applying to cover the cost of your existing loan. As you pay on your mortgage, the debt will decrease. However, every time you renew your mortgage, the cost of the premium (or monthly payment) will increase due to your increase in age and other factors. Why pay more for less?

Mortgage Insurance is rarely guaranteed. Let’s start out with the cold, hard truth for you. Even if you have a policy for mortgage insurance and you are covered under that plan, it doesn’t mean when you (or another person on your plan) passes away you will receive a claim. What?! I know! Right now, I hold a policy where the payments are approximately $30 a month. That doesn’t really seem like a lot of money, but in the two years of owning my home, I’ve spent about $720 on mortgage insurance. Put it in that perspective, and it seems like an awful lot of money to spend on something that is not guaranteed. When you apply, all the insurance company qualifies you to do is PAY YOUR PREMIUMS. The rest comes later…

It’s just one more form to sign and the application is too easy. This is they key! When we filled out our application for our mortgage insurance, we were sitting in the lawyers office and unfortunately, had our children underfoot. Not very ideal for such an important conversation. Our lawyer even mentioned that we would be “in and out” and that we only had to “sign a few things.” When you are a first time home owner, the process can be overwhelming. It is always best to be educated and prepared when making a major decision like the purchase of a home, but everything happens so quickly it is easy to get caught up. The form we were given had approximately three questions on it – very specific questions. They were easy to answer and we signed right along with the other forms for the sale of our house. That’s because the only thing that we were authorizing the insurance company to do was access our medical files – we weren’t actually answering anything specific to our health. There’s a reason why it is easy to apply for mortgage insurance (and why it is a bit more tricky to apply for life insurance). While life insurance companies do their underwriting process (medical examination and background history) at the time of application, many mortgage companies do their underwriting process posthumously. So, after you are gone and your loved ones are expecting to receive a claim that will pay off the mortgage, the insurance company is processing your medical files for reasons not to pay out. The reason why mortgage insurance companies (especially banks who offer mortgage insurance) do this, is because they are collecting your money and not having to pay out their own money for expensive medical examinations – they only have to pay out for medical exams on the few clients who die.

It is easy to be denied, after the fact. While you might think you are in perfect health, it can appear otherwise to an insurance company underwriter looking at your medical files. For example, if you have a routine doctor’s visit and have your blood pressure tested – that could count as treatment for high blood pressure and a strike against you and your insurance claim. If you have been to the doctor because you were on a tropical vacation and something didn’t agree with you – or have had a bad case of the flu – that counts as seeing a doctor because of gastric or intestinal issues. If you have a mammogram, a pap smear or a prostate exam – those count as being tested for cancer. It’s not having these tests that disqualify you from insurance – but you have to indicate that YOU HAVE BEEN TESTED. Most people wouldn’t even consider these as “treatments” because they are routine tests after you reach a certain age. If you fail to indicate this, the insurance companies will consider this fraud and you could be disqualified. When they are looking for something, they are looking to save money. They don’t want to have to pay out – and most banks and insurance companies will not even refund your paid premiums either.

Insurance brokers are a better way to go when looking at insurance for your life or your home. The main reason for this is because they are LICENCED to sell insurance. They’ve had to go through the lengthy process of studying the industry and earning their qualifications to sell the insurance to you. When you are thinking of purchasing insurance, they will actually sit down and talk with you. They will go through the underwriting process with you, explaining the questions as they go along and why they need to ask them. While this is helpful, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will be automatically approved on the spot. After applying for insurance with your broker, you will still need to have a blood test, vitals test, and a urinalysis before you are are approved. And sometimes, they’ll need a statement from your doctor. Even if you do have some medical issues, you can still qualify for insurance – you just might have to pay a bit more. But the real assurance is this – if you apply this way, and are approved, you are guaranteed your coverage. What you pay for is what you get, and after you die your loved ones will receive a claim.

I hold a journalism degree, and as such, always like to have more than one side of the story. I contacted the company that holds my life insurance and spoke to an “agent” on the phone. She was very polite, but was not qualified to answer my questions. I was directed to another individual who did not give me clear and concise answers, and who refused to answer whether a medical examination would be done before my claim was processed.

I decided to weigh in on what others were thinking and asked a few of my friends who had recently purchased a home, and those who have been home owners for quite some time. It seemed that any one who purchased a home in recent years signed a form quickly but felt uneasy about what they had signed, as they did not receive very much information on this so called “mortgage insurance”. There were others who were not given the option to decline the mortgage insurance when they purchased their home as they could not apply for a mortgage unless they applied for mortgage insurance as well. Many of the seasoned home owners did not have mortgage insurance – seems they learned some of the things I have along the way and decided it was overall a bad idea.

At this moment, I still have mortgage insurance. I am discouraged that I have spent so much on something that was such a waste. I am thankful my husband and I both hold personally owned life insurance plans, so we are prepared in some sense. After I’ve learned what I know now, I will be cancelling my mortgage insurance policy. Will you?

**Here is an informative video that shares the story of two different families who were denied an insurance claim after there was a death or illness, when they thought they were covered by their mortgage insurance.**

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When The Church Hurts Your Heart ~ A Reading Reflection

July 5, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Brokenness. It’s everywhere. Not one of us has a perfect life. Several of us have been hurt to our very core. Several of us are hurting, right now. When hurt comes and settles somewhere deep, deep down into your spirit, it is so hard to heal. Spiritual brokenness can tamper with more than just your heart. Especially when you are hurting because of other believers.

Suzanne Eller has written a beautiful book entitled The Mended Heart. It is a book that deals with the broken places – even the places you have buried deep. Her chapter entitled, “When The Church Hurts Your Heart” gave me pause and stirred up something in my heart that was buried deep. Quite deep, in fact.

A long time ago, in a place not so far away, I attended a very small church. It was one of those cute, quaint country churches nestled at the top of a hill. The people who attended the church were lovely. I attended that church for a few years before I discovered that deep down, they were also very broken. It is important to mention that I attended this church as a youth, and not as an adult. There were goings on in this church that did not register with me because of that fact. It is also important to mention that of this particular church, my father was the pastor.

Being the daughter of a pastor is not an easy task. I have so much empathy for the children of pastors, because I have been in their shoes. Eyes watching their every move. Unrealistic expectations of how the pastors children should behave. But that is a story for another day.

This story is about brokenness. In her book, Suzanne Eller writes, Christ is the head of the church, and that is where we find our truth, but we also realize that pastoring is one of the hardest jobs there is, and many times a pastor or pastor’s family endures spiritual abuse at the hands of leaders in his church, or by members who are demanding or want to have influence in every detail of a church’s running. (p.70)

This struck a chord with me. Deep, deep, down. Something I had buried bubbled to the top. Several years ago, my heart was broken in a church. My heart was broken because of the way that I was treated, and the way that my family was treated. It hurt very much, and I never did deal with it properly. Likely because I was so young and immature at the time. Looking back as an adult, I can feel the brokenness that was there.

Why do churches hurt? Why do Christians hurt one another? It’s because of brokenness. No matter how much we love God, we are not perfect. We are broken, we are hurting. Sometimes this affects the way we deal with one another.

Recently, I watched another church go through a difficult situation together. I was never a member of this church, but had connections with several members of the congregation. And I also knew the pastor very well. He is such a wonderful man of God. Suzanne Eller defines the heart of true Christian leadership by writing, it’s the attitude of a servant who obeys the soft whisper of the Holy Spirit, even in the hardest of places, and who lives so that others might gain a glimpse of glory. (p.61) The pastor of that church? He fits that description so perfectly. When I learned of how he dealt with matters in this church, with things that made my blood want to boil, I could see someone in whom the light of Christ was shining. In fact, the light of Christ was shining through so strongly it could have lit up not only the entire church, but the entire street block and beyond. He was hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. He was perplexed, but not in despair. He was persecuted – oh, was he persecuted! But he was not abandoned by the Lord. He was struck down, again and again and again, but he was not destroyed.

Ten years ago, I would have described this church as filled with love and joy. Two years ago, I would have described this church as suffering under persecution due to a small number of people at the wheel. This church endured a great deal of pain. This church endured a great amount of sorrow. Sadly, the church split. A church split that came from deep brokenness.

When a church split occurs, it is usually from lack of unity and a lack of the Body of Christ coming together. The Body of Christ, when it works scripturally, is a powerful force for change and a light that beckons us to know God, but it will never be ideal. It wasn’t without fault in Scripture, and it is not without fault today. (p.67) We are not a perfect people. We are filled with sin, we are filled with imperfections. We are broken.

I had the terribly awkward experience of visiting this church when the split occurred. It was completely unplanned on my part, although not unexpected that it happened while I was there. While visiting with some members of this congregation, I expressed my frustration over the goings on in the church and in my frustration, spoke my mind to a very trusted few. They listened. They wept. One spoke up and said, “you have to remember, these aren’t just people to us. They are family.” A very powerful reminder. The church is a family. Every family I know, including my own, has to work through the good and the bad together if they want to create a thriving environment. (p. 72).

Sometimes, it is not easy to work together. Sometimes, it is impossible to work together, and a church split occurs. But the good news? Jesus can take the brokenness arising from a church split and make it whole. This particular church survived the split and is growing in love and grace. They have been blessed with new members to fill the empty seats. There is great love and joy where there was once sorrow. God is good.

God is good, even in the brokenness. I have had to learn this as it relates to the church over and over and over again in my short life. Let me just say, I love my current church. I consider the people in my church family. Our pastors are both amazing, godly men who serve their church, their community and their city with love and grace. Even so, I have considered leaving our church a time or two. Because no matter how amazing our church is, we are made up of a broken people. We are made up of people who can sometimes hurt each other. Even in this church that I love, I have been hurt deeply by people. People have said hurtful things about me and members of my family. But there is hope. In a church made up of messy people, there is hope as we serve and love one another with humility, standing upon a solid Rock that will never give way beneath our feet. (p. 74)

Yes, I have been hurt. Yes, Satan has a way of bringing past hurts to the surface, often when you least expect them. But Jesus will overcome. He has shown me the gift of grace and forgiveness. He has shown me that many of these hurts have arisen because of misunderstanding. He has shown me how to love through the tears.

A few years ago, one of our pastors gave me a wonderful gift. He asked me if I would consider writing a piece about hope for a publication he was going to make available for our church members to read during the Easter season. I immediately agreed to write something, but it was a few days before I knew what to write. Suddenly, the words flowed from me and it wasn’t long before I had submitted my story. Then the waiting began. I nervously waited weeks until that publication was sitting out in the foyer of our church for all to see. I listened as the pastor encourage everyone to take a copy home. I was fearful, knowing everyone there would have the opportunity to read something I had written that was incredibly transparent. I rushed home that day and didn’t answer the phone, read e-mails or check Facebook in case someone would try and contact me.

You can’t run away, though, can you? People found me one way or another. I was so afraid, but all I found was love. People e-mailed to ask questions. People called to pray for me. People stopped me in the grocery store for a hug. It was beautiful. Writing my story opened doors for me to overcome fears. I am able to sing on our worship team and actually lead worship because I had become transparent with my church family and had received love. I had witnessed the Body of Christ serving and loving one another with humility.

I have experienced that over and over and over again in my church. I feel incredibly blessed to be part of a church full of messy people who love each other. If you are hurting, and your church is not a welcome place for you, you are free to search out Scriptures and find a healthy body of believers with whom to worship and fellowship. (p.71)

The church is made up of people who belong to the Lord. In our brokenness, we make mistakes. In our brokenness, we hurt others. In our brokenness, we might not display Christ as we should. But we do love and we can forgive.

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After His Heart

May 19, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha Borden2 Comments

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.” Psalm 51:10-13

Have you ever wondered why David is referred to as a man after God’s own heart? I have, too. When I think of God, I think of an all knowing Saviour who does not sin, and can do no wrong. But, David. Oh, David. Look at all the ways he failed.

We know him as a King, and we also know him for his two major sins, murder and adultery. In 2 Samuel 11:1-5, David sees a beautiful woman bathing, and instead of looking away he asks about her. He’s told that she is married, but instead leaving it at that, he orders her to come to him and takes her into his bed. She becomes pregnant, and David tries to cover it up. In verses 6-13, we see that he attempts numerous times to have Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, go home and be with his wife to cover the true identity of this baby’s father. But Uriah refuses to go home, despite King David’s attempts. David became frustrated and desperate. In verses 14-27, we read a detailed account of how King David orders Uriah back to the battle lines, right into the line of fire, so that he will die. Upon his death, King David takes Bathsheba into his home to be his wife.

It seems that David understood his sins, and tried to cover them up as best he could. But verse 27 says that the Lord was greatly displeased. And yet, David is a man after His own heart. How can this be?

We also know King David to be a writer of many of the Psalms. Psalm 51:10-13 shows one of the examples of why David fit this description. He had a repentant heart. In these verses, we can see he recognizes how he has sinned. Sin separated him from God. We see he understands he has fallen out of God’s presence, and he calls out to God to restore him.

David does this over and over and over again. Throughout the psalms, he is continually seeking God. I may not fully understand all of the reasons why David is called a man after God’s own heart, but I do understand this: “I said to the Lord, You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.” David was wise enough to understand that everything he had, anything good in his life, was a blessing and a gift from God.

Not only that, David desired to have an intimate relationship with God. He craved God. He made God a priority in his life. Psalm 84:2 says, “I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.”

A repentant heart. A desire for God. These are some of the ways David measured up to the title a man after God’s own heart. How many of us fall short from this time and time again? How many of us are actively repenting and desiring? Let’s look at these two things a little more closely.

Repentance

Let’s face it, this is a hard word. Before we can get to this place, we need to acknowledge what we are doing is wrong. And that’s a hard thing to do. How many of us want to admit we’re no good? How many of us have failed to repent?

Repentance is defined as the activity of reviewing one’s actions and feeling contrition for regret or past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and resolving to live a more responsible and humane life. This is a great description, but the best description I have ever heard was actually an object lesson.

My son is preparing to be baptized later this summer, and our pastor is meeting with him regularly to talk about baptism and what it means to be a Christian. During one of their lessons, they were talking about repentance. He described it as turning away from sin. He had my son walk towards as wall, and when he called “repent!” my son would turn around and walk the other way. It was a physical reminder of what repentance really means.

At first, we won’t be successful in turning away from sin. But bit by bit, we will be. Repenting is honouring God. It pleases Him. And shouldn’t we be wanting to make God happy with our choices and our decisions? We should be living for Him. Repentance is the beginning.

Desiring God

The definition of desire is something that one wishes for, craves or wants. It can also be described as a longing for something that can bring enjoyment and satisfaction. What are the things that you crave? What are the things that you most want? Desiring God needs to be the first among any other thing that might make that list.

I have had a lot to learn in this area, and I am far from perfect in my walk with God. In fact, let me tell you there is no such thing as a perfect Christian. We are absolutely an imperfect people. But I do long to be a person who desires God above all else. So where does one start?

I believe the best way to start is by prayer, praise, and thanksgiving. David actively did all three of these things. David actually lays out a wonderful example of how prayer, praise and thanksgiving can unite to become one thing. Most of his psalms have him crying out to God in prayer, praising God for who He is, and thanking God for all He has done. Psalm 86 is a great example of this.

But prayer, praise and thanksgiving aren’t enough. We need to be actively reading His word as well. I remember sitting in a church service a few months ago, where the pastor stated a startling statistic that struck me in the heart. According to a LifeWay survey, 80% of church goers do not read their Bible. I sat there shocked until it dawned on me. I didn’t. I hadn’t been. Here I had this wonderful, life altering book in my hands. How many times had I opened it the previous week? I am ashamed to admit, I hadn’t once. And why hadn’t I been? Because, to be honest, it felt like a chore.

How did I get to that place? From the moments God breathed His truths into my heart to the moment I realized I hadn’t opened my Bible all week? If we’re going to be completely honest, it was longer than a week. It was my own fault, and I felt betrayed.

The best way to get back into reading the Bible is to just pick it up, open it and read. I found passages of scripture I had previously underlined breathed truths right back into my heart and I went from there. There are many daily Bible reading plans available, you just have to choose one that interests you. Start there and watch how your life changes.

David was a man after God’s own heart. It should be our desire to be people after His own heart, too. What can you do today to start strengthening your relationship with Him?

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Be Beautiful

April 14, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

“The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Relationships are messy. People are real. In the run of the day, people feel so many things. Joy, fear, love, frustration, anger, jealousy. We are all a bundle of emotions packaged into a form made of skin and bones. Skin and bones, muscle and fat. Shapes and sizes that are different from the next. It is amazing to know we are made so that no two people are exactly the same. So why do we strive to be just that?

Everywhere we look, we see beautiful women with perfect skin and perfect teeth and perfect hair. The ideal women we are manipulated to believe we need to be in order to fit with the rest of the world. Even though we know these women are digitally remastered to look that way. If you ran into those same women on the street, their skin might not be so smooth and their teeth might not be so white. Underneath all of that perfect image is a women who is real. A real person with real emotions who has real struggles just like the rest of us.

Why does body image have to matter so much?

In a world full of perfectly plastic women, there is no way we will ever add up. We have sat in rooms where words have been slung that sting to the very core. We have been hurt by words. Had our hearts broken by words. Been absolutely shattered by words. Sometimes we can’t forget…

But the beautiful thing? The beautiful thing is Love. It heals the scars and burns that words leave behind. The less than perfect girl – the one who hates her crooked teeth, her curly and untamable hair, the colour of her eyes, the extra weight or the shape of her legs – that girl can have a beautiful life.

So how to you fit into this plastic world? Find out where you fit. And how do you find out where you fit? By being yourself. The key to a beautiful life is by truly living yours – the life that God intended for you to live, the one He created you for.

The beautiful thing about His love is that it doesn’t discriminate about imperfections like crooked teeth or extra chub. Because the Lord sees beyond the shell of skin and bones, muscle and fat to the person inside. A person who loves. A person who laughs. A person who experiences joy, anger and frustration all in the same day. A person who has value – who is valued.

When you are living the life that He created you for, when you are doing what He has planned for you and are walking in faith, you are absolutely beautiful. You outshine all the women on television or in the pages of magazines. You are beautiful.

Don’t let comparison steal your joy. Live your life the way you created to live it. Don’t look for approval of others, but rely on the approval of the One who really counts.

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A Very Big Word

March 4, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha Borden1 Comment

Forgiveness. Why is such a small word such a big deal?

You may have been hurt by someone in the past (or present) that you are struggling to forgive. This is not your run of the mill forgiveness – the kind that covers a temporary hurt like a marital squabble or an issue with a friend or coworker. This is forgiveness that needs to cover something that is irreparably broken. Something that was said or done that ripped your heart right out of your chest and you watched it being stomped on and picked apart right in front of your eyes. We’re talking hard, emotional damage. That kind of hurting. The one you try not think about. The one you wish you could forget.

I have been blessed to only have one irreparable broken heart scenario in my life. Although I understand and can appreciate that it can occur more than once in a lifetime. But let me tell you, my heart is still recovering. After that broken moment, I had to pick my heart back up off the ground, wipe it off, and cover it with gauze and bandages. I thought it was healed enough to take those bandages off. But then I realized the wounds were still fresh.

I thought I had forgiven this person. I thought I was able to move on. In actuality, I had forgiven from afar. This is the type of forgiveness where you “forgive” someone, but you distance yourself from that person and think if you do not have to see or deal with them on a regular basis, everything will be okay. Temporarily it seems like a perfect fix. But God has a way of uncovering fake forgiveness.

Just recently, God placed this person back in my life. Only temporarily, and for a short period of time, but there this person was. The bandages were ripped off and blood and feelings started bubbling over and the wounds were fresh again. I realized forgiveness from afar just wasn’t working for me. This person will be back again – likely only temporarily, and for a short period of time – but I know I needed to address this again because this person will be there, surfacing here and there for the rest of my life.

How do we forgive? How do we move from the far way forgiveness to a true place of healing? I think we need to be even more broken. The reason we forgive is because Christ has forgiven us. Even through all of the mistakes that we have made and the deep hurt we have surely caused Him, He has forgiven us and wiped the slate clean. I know it seems surreal since we can’t see Him. But there it is. The perfect, glorious gift of grace. We did not deserve to be forgiven. And yet, we have been.

This person does not deserve to be forgiven. In some ways, I wish I could sweep it under the rug, move to Australia and never have to deal with this person again. But you know what? I would run into that person again – in Australia. I’d never be able to get away from it. Even if I never saw that person again, the issue would still be there. The memories would still be there. The brokenness would still be there. The hurt would still be there.

And so, I need to forgive. It is hard. It is something no one wants to face when the wounds are fresh. But we need to treat each encounter with those who have hurt us with a fresh slate of grace. There’s no reason to drudge up the past hurts we have experienced. Conversations and encounters are less likely to become ugly if we try to be like Christ.

Several years ago, my mom bought me a book called The Kindness Weapon by Bruce Wannamaker. It is no longer in print, but it sits on my bookshelf today as a wonderful reminder. In the story, a boy and his friend make plans to build a treehouse but before they finish one of the boys is in a car accident and ends up in a wheelchair. The healthy boy tries to cheer him up but the boy in the wheelchair doesn’t want to have anything to do with him or anything else. His Sunday School teacher suggested he use kindness towards the boy to help him recover. Essentially, the Sunday school teacher suggests the healthy boy kill the strained relations between them with kindness.

If you are hurting, and do not know how to start to forgive – kill the offending person with kindness. How do you kill someone with kindness? By doing small acts of love. Sending a card in the mail, helping them with a task they can’t do alone, stepping in and letting God use you where He sees fit.

This is not going to be an easy task. Even crafting a kind note is difficult when every bone in your body is objecting. But when you let God use you, when you kill others with kindness, your heart will be changed. Suddenly forgiving won’t seem so hard.

I’m going to try it. How about you?

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Rescue

February 10, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance of a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross! Philippians 2:5-8

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Have you ever had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? A day where you felt like you failed so many times and in so many different ways? Yesterday was like that. In fact, it was so terrible, horrible, no good and very bad that it has been very hard to bounce back.

In this world, we are constantly bombarded with the phrase “I’m not perfect” – so much so that we often use it as an excuse not to be. Hey, I am just as guilty as the next person here. I think I even said this yesterday. But saying “I’m not perfect” is not good enough. We need to strive to be more Christ like in every aspect of our lives, and wasn’t He perfect?

Of course we will fail. I think that is the whole point. We fail repeatedly but God’s grace allows us to pick ourselves up and try again. It’s like running a race we will never win – and knowing we will never win it – yet every time we fall and seem to get behind, we pick ourselves back up and keep on running.

We might not be perfect, but we are perfectly broken. He doesn’t need us to have it all together to use us for His glory. Isn’t that an amazing thought? Here I sit, a massive failure. I’ve said and done some pretty bad stuff in my lifetime. I know I am not alone in this boat – you’re sitting here right with me and we’ve got matching life jackets.

But the real truth – the refreshing, undeserved truth – is that no matter how many times I am in that boat, wallowing in despair because I have made some wrong choices and it’s wreaking havoc on my life, He comes to my rescue.

And not just when I have made bad decisions. He cares about every aspect of my life. Any hurt or pain that I feel. Any trials that I face. Any joy that I experience. When I feel the sting of rejection, He is there. When I have hurt someone with my words and am feeling desperate to make amends, He is there. When I am in the valley, He is the light. When my heart is bursting with happiness, His is too.

He takes my broken pieces and puts everything back together. He sees my bad days and my good days, my good choices and my bad choices. He sees all of that and He sends me a reminder like that in 2 Corinthians 5:17. It’s like He says, “Wait a minute. I see all of these things that are trapping you. But don’t you remember that I set you free? Don’t you remember you have been made new?”

The old has gone, and the new has come.

That means when you have bad days, you need to ask for forgiveness and move on. Yesterday is not today. The old has gone, the new has come. Today is a new day to strive to be perfect — and when we fail, because we know we will, His grace will be our rescue.