Today is a pain day. Every once in awhile, they creep up. The pain is severe and uncontrollable and obviously, unwelcome. I have had people ask me why God doesn’t heal me. I’ve had people ask me if I have even asked for healing. I have had people ask me if I believe He can do it. Yes, I do believe He can. But right now, I do believe He won’t.
I don’t believe He doesn’t heal people – I know He does. I have seen it happen before with my own eyes. I just believe it is not the time for me to be healed. Sometimes, healing doesn’t happen. But I believe healing doesn’t happen because God has a different plan for you.
When it is just you and pain, you join with Christ for relief. Even if there is no healing. Sometimes, He allows the pain to exist in your life because He wants you to become closer to Him. In my own personal experience, when the pain is at its worst, that is when I see Him the most. That is when I feel His presence in my life. Through the pain. When life is good, and pain is less and things are going well, it is not as easy to experience His presence. But when you experience pain, He is right there.
Yes, I would love to not have to live with suffering. I would love to be able to skate through life without pain. I would love to be able to get down on the floor and play with my children and my niece. I would love to be able to go hiking with my family. There are many things I can no longer do, and I don’t understand why it has happened to me. But, that’s not really what matters here. Dr. Michael Easley, of Moody Bible Institute who lives with searing pain on a daily basis said, “In the frailty of our limping lives, God is doing something I do not understand. And my quest is not to be successful but to be faithful.”
Yes, that is what I want to do. I want to be faithful. I might not understand why I have to endure this, but I want to be able to push through it to do what He has asked me to do. 1 Peter 4:19 says, “so if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you.”
You just have to trust and obey when you are suffering. Do what He requires of you. I don’t need to know all the reasons why this has happened in my life. I just know it has. At the end of my life, when I see Jesus, all will be made clear. For now, I just need to believe in His plan and obey it.
So where do I go from here?
I believe the answer is hope. Hope is more than a feeling. It is a powerful entity that embodies a feeling of trust. I hope – I trust – in a time where my body will be perfect. I hope and believe I will be pain free, with perfect legs. When healing doesn’t happen here on earth, it does happen in death. I don’t mind waiting until death – because for me, death is a new life.
And while I am waiting? Deuteronomy 31:6 says, do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you, He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” No matter what happens in life, when the pain or the deformation gets worse. No matter what happens. Even when the healing doesn’t come, but the wheelchair does. The moment the inevitable happens and my legs no longer work, He will be there. Because He goes before me into each new day. He goes before me into each new experience, whether it be filled with joy or filled with pain.
Yes, today is a pain day. But today, I am rejoicing. I can feel Him here. I can feel Him when legs hurt so much I can’t even get out of bed. I can feel Him when my heart is breaking because my children are suffering. I can feel Him when there is pain. And I know He has a plan for me. I might not understand, but I will be faithful.