Sometimes I have Mom envy. I know I’m a Mom already, and there are women out there who just want to have babies. I get that. And I hope and pray that you’ll be blessed with a little one soon. But I’m not talking about that kind of Mom envy. I’m talking about the kind of Mom envy where everyone’s house and lives look way better than your own.

I’m talking about when you’re perusing the web and you see a picture perfect family. The one where he’s tall dark and handsome. And she’s blonde, thin and has perfectly straight teeth. And they have some perfectly adorable children, biological and adopted. And they travel the globe, doing amazing and fun things together as a family, and just look like they are winning at life. I want to be happy for them, and sometimes I am. But more often than not, seeing their photos and reading about their exciting experiences leaves me feeling empty and alone.

I know I am blessed with the tall (not so dark) and handsome hubby. At least, I think he is. But aside from that, nothing is the same. I’m far from thin, I definitely don’t have blonde hair or perfect teeth. Neither do my kids – not their teeth or their behaviour. (I’ll bet those perfect people don’t get multiple phone calls from the school when their kids have been up to no good). And those adopted children? I’d love to have them, but my plate is sort of overflowing.

Sometimes it gets me down. Sometimes I can’t see past their perfect smiles. And then, other times I can. Because not everyone can be as transparent as our family is. We joke about not having secrets, but really it’s very true. Even if we wanted to have secrets, the kids would spill to the next person they see. (Like when my son told the person sitting next to him at the Christmas concert that I almost burnt the house down because I was trying to make popcorn in the microwave.) Not everyone can share the hard stuff. Not everyone can write about the stuff that leaves them weeping. Not everyone is me. Not everyone has that story to tell.

And that’s the thing. Their story is not my story. My story is not your story. We all have our own lives, our own families, our own experiences. We all have our own moments where we shine. We all have our own failures (some are just better at keeping them in the dark as others.)  We are all equal in that way.

But that’s where it stops. Because we can’t all be alike. No two snowflakes are the same. We all have our own individual fingerprints, our own individual DNA. We are all unique. We can’t have the same looks, the same children, the same trips around the globe. But we can stand united. Because even though we can’t have the same experiences, we still need each other.

Like that time I saw another autism Mom struggling to get her child together in the middle of Walmart. And there were groceries everywhere. It’s not the same experience I have every day, but it’s similar. So I know I couldn’t do anything to help her in that moment. But I could take her purse from the middle of the aisle and put it back in her cart. And give her one of those looks. The kind not everyone gives you when your child is melting in the store. A look not of disgust or distain but if solidarity and encouragment.

Like the time I saw another larger Mom trying on clothing at the store. Standing in front of mirrors that don’t show mercy, I watched as she stepped back feeling deflated. I’ve been there before. To be honest, I am there every day. Just trying to feel beautiful in a world that tells you you’re anything but. So I stood beside this woman for just a moment and told her what I would have wanted to hear. And watched as her shoulders rose back to where they should be. And as she turned away with a word of thanks, she went and bought the shirt. And I felt like maybe, just for a moment, I was winning at life. That maybe, for a minute, there was a reason why I face what I face.

It’s the first day if 2017. People usually make resolutions. Or they choose one little word they’re hoping will make their year the best it can be. This year, I just want to live intentionally. I want to tell my story. To feel, even if very briefly, like my story is worth having and worth sharing if not just for a single moment.

We may not have picture perfect lives. We may not have the children, or the trips, or the perfectly manicured lawns and gorgeous homes. But we all have a life worth living and sharing about. My prayer for this year is that we all experience life together. Not just the good bits, but the bad too. Because sometimes, when we are real, we remember we are just where we are meant to be.

I’m going to keep sharing my story. Because it isn’t glamorous. It isn’t beautiful. But it’s real. And it’s mine to tell, no matter what this year brings.

A few days ago we attended a little welcoming party for a newborn baby . I even had a chance to hold that sweet little boy and it was so wonderful to hear his little baby noises and watch him yawn the biggest baby yawn I have ever seen. What a sweetheart! His Dad mentioned something about having a lot of children (this baby was their fifth), and quoted Psalm 127:5 – blessed is the man whose quiver is full. They definitely have a full quiver, and it is awesome!

Later that evening, another friend posted a photo of some wall decor in their home. It featured the ultrasound photos of all five of their babies in a funky frame alongside this framed Psalm. “For you formed my inward parts: you knitted me together in my Mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works. My soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14) I thought it was awesome and very creative. What a neat idea. But then, my heart felt a little sad, just for a moment.

I always wanted to have a quiver of children. I wanted to have at least four. Maybe six. I came from a large family and I wanted a large family. I am not so sure my husband and I had the same idea for our quiver, but that’s another story for another day. Today’s story is about God Glasses.

What are God Glasses? Maybe it’s not the greatest term, but it is a simple way to explain what happens when you look back over your past experiences and see the hand of God in your life. To see his plan unfolding in your life – the BEST plan. The plan that might not be what you would have chosen for yourself, but that really is better than what you were thinking.

My God Glasses for a “lack” of a large family show me two things. Two very amazing, very important things. The first is, I HAVE CHILDREN. The second – two is more than enough.

My husband and I had these amazing grandiose plans (as most newlyweds do) to enjoy being married without children and start building a family after five years. So imagine our shock and yes, a bit of alarm, when we discovered we were expecting after we had been married for only three short months. A year and one month after our wedding day, our bundle of baby arrived. And what a joy he was! Two years later, another bundle of boy added to our forever family. I didn’t want it to be the end, but was told by doctors that I needed to be done and they were taking medical action to make it so. For the safety of my health, and my future children’s health. It was a bit of a blow to be cut off, but then, God Glasses. Ten years later, I put my God Glasses on. I realized that if I had waited those five years, I wouldn’t have been able to have any children at all. My God Glasses showed me His plan was better than my plan. My God Glasses showed me His blessings rather than my burdens of being without children.

Seven years after our forever family was formed, I had another God Glasses moment. We had been struggling with having a child with autism – and all that entailed. All the meetings with the school, the intervention, the special foods, the different medications. It was a challenge! Then we received the news that they both had autism, and some other added complications, and we were overwhelmed. Challenges and blessings can sometimes be bundled into one, can’t they? My God Glasses made me realize that two children with autism was more than enough. I didn’t need to add to my quiver. My tiny quiver was overflowing. My God Glasses showed me His plan was better than my plan. My God Glasses showed me the two children were more than enough, and any more would likely be too much to bear.

God Glasses are necessary as we navigate through this life. It is so important to look back on hard situations and disappointments that once shook us to our core – and see how God has moved. God Glasses allow us to see His plan with a fresh perspective. From His perspective.

What do your God Glasses allow you to see? I hope you will be as blessed as I am when you look back and see how God has turned your trials into triumphs.

It has been a few days since I embarked on the first day of my new journey – after the diagnosis. I honestly thought that it would be the best thing in the world, just what I needed. And it was, in a way. But then I sit here, folding laundry. Large laundry – the kind that people wear on their “fat days.” Worse, actually. The kind of laundry that no one wants to wear. That’s the kind of laundry I was folding. A part of me died a little bit. Because while I got a diagnosis, and it was the one that I expected, the skinny person inside of me died.

Every time I look in the mirror I am surprised. I am surprised at the person looking back at me because it’s not the person I feel is walking around out there. If there was such a thing as reversed anorexia, that is how I would categorize myself. Instead of thinking of myself as bigger than I am, I think of myself as smaller. So when I am met with that harsh reality, it knocks the life out of me. I see how I really look to others and it makes me sad. Now I am not completely out to lunch, I know I am not model thin – but I definitely don’t feel as large as I actually am.

So when I was folding my laundry – these clothes I have worn many times before – it was as if my eyes were opened to how big they really are.  And the hope that some day I would appear as skinny on the outside as I do on the inside disappeared forever. Because one thing is true, there is no way to reverse what has happened to my body. I will forever be a super sized person.

But then a fresh breath of hope in the form of a phone call. My sister, who is always in tune with my heart, called me on her lunch break to tell me she was going to buy me some pants for my birthday. As she added the pants to her online cart, she told me she was getting a size larger for me to grow into. Partly because that’s what was available, and partly because she can see the Jerusha I saw in the mirror today and the Jerusha I see when I look at myself. And she knows the dream that died. And she told me. “embrace it Jeru – it’s going to be okay.” I know that’s true. I do. And I love my sister, who knows that the Jerusha I see when I look at myself desperately wants to look pretty. And I love that she always helps me find clothes that will help me to look the way I want to look despite the Jerusha that really is standing in front of the mirror.

As I hung up the phone, her words ringing in my ears, I turned back to my laundry. I took a pair of holey pants to the garbage – I have new ones on the way. And as I was throwing them out, I felt a voice whispering “I make all things new.” A voice who knows the Jerusha that I don’t even know yet. A voice who knows all of my days – the days that have passed, the days I live right now, and the ones that I will live. A voice that makes it all okay.

Because I am more than the clothes that I wear. I am more than the size of my body. I am more because He is making me more. Jesus has an upside down kingdom. What the world thinks is right isn’t really right. What the world thinks is beautiful isn’t really beautiful. And in that moment, when I heard that voice whispering – I had a little perspective. Perhaps I am going to always be a large person while I live here on this earth, but that doesn’t mean my heart has to be broken in pieces over it. Because God is making me new, and it is going to be okay. If I am going to be large, I might as well live larger than life.

And while I live larger than life, I am going to embrace this – because that’s all I can do. I can embrace the lipedema riddled body. I am going to treat as best as I can the more serious lymphedema, and I am going to LIVE. For as many days as I have been given. Because right now, in this moment, it is not the end. He has made a way for me, even as I am. And even in the moments where I am faced with the reality I don’t want to face, He is the God of all my days. And I am trusting in His plan.

Pain has possibility. Most of us wouldn’t see that in the every day, because pain is difficult. It makes us uncomfortable. Pain makes us have to feel things we don’t want to feel. Wikipedia states “pain motivates the individual to withdraw from damaging situations and to avoid similar experiences in the future.” But what about the pain that is unavoidable? I’m not talking about the physical pain you might feel when you stub your toe or break your arm. I’m talking about emotional pain – the deep stuff. The stuff that hurts so much you don’t even want to read any further. (Keep going, it’s okay. Trust me!)

The kind of pain that we all have to endure at some point in our lives but we all hope we never have to endure. The pain of broken relationships. The pain of hard situations and circumstances that t-bone you when you least expect it. Painful situations don’t seem like they have possibility. But they do.

Sometimes God allows pain into our lives to change and shape us. That is such a difficult lesson – and one that often will take us years to understand and process. In the meantime, we can take a look at King David – the man after God’s own heart. He had a lot going for him – he was a king chosen by God himself. But he suffered greatly, and his pain was so overwhelming for him.

Let’s look at the beginning – before he even assumed the throne – he was working for King Saul, who became so jealous of David that he wanted to kill him. Numerous times he fled for his life. He spent many years on the run from Saul. But God used that time in his life to change and shape him – it was in those times that he wrote many psalms and songs that we still read today.

Fast forward to the New Testament and we see another Saul – also called Paul – who suffers much pain in his ministry. This is the one who had spent time chasing down and arresting Christians who was vehemently opposed to the gospel of Jesus. Until he had his own encounter and literally saw the light. After that it was his life’s mission to bring the news of the life and resurrection of Jesus to everyone he saw  – both Jews and Gentiles. This made some Roman officials very angry, as some Jews didn’t believe that Jesus was the Messiah. Numerous times Paul was arrested and jailed and put on trial for living out his life assignment from God. At one point, he was arrested for doing nothing other than performing a Jewish ritual in the temple. The Jewish leaders had been trying to catch him for so long they leapt at the chance, after which they had nothing to accuse him of – at least not anything that would stick – and he was passed from official to official to official until he was finally set free. This lengthy process allowed him time to write the many letters to the surrounding churches to encourage and guide them – what we now know as the Epistles.

Pain has possibility. In the deepest, darkest and most painful situations. When we just can’t handle the pain for one more moment – it happens. He breathes hope into the hopeless situations. It may be just a little whisper. It might be just a spark of encouragement. It may be something grand. But it is hope just the same. And hope is His promise to us as we struggle through day to day life. Hope is His promise to us as we face the painful situations in our life.

It was Paul, the one who had been imprisoned numerous times during his missionary journey, who wrote the book of Romans. So when I read these words, I know they are coming from someone who endured suffering and pain:

“Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of unreserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us to develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope and salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” Romans 5:2-5

Even through the painful situations, we can see hope through Christ. He breathes hope into our lives, and even through the pain, we are transformed.

One Sunday morning as we were worshipping in church, we were singing a song that I felt right down to my very core. And in that moment, I felt like He had breathed hope right into my body. My broken, aching body. The words that crept into the secret recesses of my heart and filled me with life:

Pain has possibility. It can even be a gift that we are grateful for. I never thought there would come a day where I would stand there and confess in my heart that I was grateful for this debilitating disease. But here I am, saying it. I am thankful, grateful and hope infused for this pain, if it would be this that He would use to someone point others to Him, whether it be by my life or my words.

So whatever pain you are experiencing, be it emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain, or all of the above, it is my prayer that He will breathe hope into your hopeless situations today. Because His hope stands forever, long after our painful situations have passed away.

Sometimes life is hard. There are days when you feel bogged down with the ins and outs of every day life and the stressors that brings – little annoyances that threaten to push you over the edge. Things that aren’t massively important in the grand scheme of things, but in the moment you feel so frazzled that you don’t know what to do or where to turn. Let’s face it, we have all been there. Those are the kind of days that end with you crying in the shower. Nothing to be ashamed of, really. We have all been there.

But then there are the days that are worse than the frazzle that is the every day.  There are days that leave us feeling so broken in our body that we can’t stop weeping. Days where we have received life shattering news about a family member or a friend, or even ourselves. Those days are weeping days. Those are days where we can’t even crawl out of bed. We can’t even face living life on those days. Everything has stopped, suspended in in time – frozen for a moment that seems to last forever.

I had one of those days last week. The day itself wasn’t bad – perhaps a few annoyances here and there. But then I received some devastating news. Two of my friends have cancer and it doesn’t really look good. And then, not long after that news, a text from a friend that her sweet blessing was born still.

It has been a week and I still can’t even think about it because I am the kind of person that when tragedy strikes, I need to step in and help if I can. Sometimes God provides me with a way to do that, and sometimes…He doesn’t. How can you help a situation like that? How can you DO something when there is nothing to be done except trust in God’s plan?

A few weeks ago, I posted a little graphic on Facebook – you know, one of those things you see that gives you the feels, or that you can just really relate to – so you share it.

I promise you, even in the darkest moments He is there. He is present and His love outlasts the end of all of our days, whether they be short or long. Matthew 28:20b says, “And be sure of this: I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” When I read that just now I got that Buzz Lightyear voice in my head that says, “to infinity and beyond!” Because while it doesn’t apply to Buzz, it does apply to the Almighty God. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever….

I hate divorce. Whenever I hear of someone I know breaking up, it wrecks me. Even if it is the friend of a friend of a friend and their spouse. I weep a little – okay, if we are honest – sometimes I weep a lot. And it happens so often that it makes me feel sick. Why are people breaking up SO much? Just…why?

I am no expert on this topic, because I have a happy marriage. I honestly do, and thank God every day for giving me a guy who loves me and who I love. Giving me a guy who accepts life as it comes (oh, does it ever come some days!) and who rolls with the unexpected. For giving me a guy who is faithful to Him and to me.

But – while we are happy, so many other people aren’t. A lot of people I know are walking into marriage thinking it’s not permanent. Thinking that they aren’t really marrying their one true love. Thinking if things go wrong, they can easily get out of it. And the truth is, they can. It doesn’t take much to legally dissolve a marriage. In fact, friends of mine who were married last year had to actually fight with the bank to allow them a joint account – they now strongly dissuade couples from joining their assets because divorce rate is so high. And not just in secular circles, either. In churches, y’all. Christian homes.

Why!? I mean, I have to say as much as I hate divorce, God hates it more. Malachi 2:16 clearly states that. But the Bible goes on to talk about the serious nature of marriage as well. You know that popular marriage vow “what God has joined together, let man not separate?” Matthew 19:6 – it is actually in Scripture. God knows it will happen, and as such there are Old Testament laws in Deuteronomy to protect divorced couples, especially women.  But just because He expects our sinful nature to allows us to divorce, He really doesn’t like it when it happens. And I am sure He wants us to fight for our marriages.

And let’s face it. People have stopped fighting.

Many times when I hear of yet another couple splitting up, I look at my husband and I say “how does this even happen?!” I guess I already know the answers…

1. It Happens Quicker Than You’d Think – I remember someone telling me that they almost had an affair with someone else, even though they loved their husband. Sitting over coffee, my heart broke for this woman as she confessed to dates with a colleague. Her husband was so busy with work that he travelled often, and he was often not home. She felt left out a lot and wasn’t feeling special. One day when she was at work there was a luncheon scheduled and only she and this other man showed up. The food was there, so they stayed and ate lunch and conversed. They laughed a lot – something she missed doing with her husband. A few days later, he casually asked her if she wanted to take her coffee break with him as he was on his way to the kitchen. Thinking nothing of it, she went along. And so it continued over the next few weeks – coffee break and lunch breaks alone with another man who was not her husband. It didn’t seem like something she shouldn’t be doing. Until one day he asked her if she wanted to go out with him for dinner after work. Her husband was away so she agreed. It wasn’t until she was at home that it hit her. She was in her walk in closet looking for something to wear when she spotted one of her husband’s ties had fallen into the pair of shoes she was planning on wearing. Shoes she only wore when she went out on a date with her husband – somewhere fancy. She said it was as if alarm bells sounded in her head. She sank to the floor and sobbed. Had she ruined everything for a few meals and a few laughs?

Thankfully, no. She called her husband immediately and told him to come straight home – it was an emergency. He dropped all his appointments and flew home that evening. She confessed everything and wept bitterly in his arms. They worked it out together. The important marital lesson that came out of this was this, as he would tell me later: my wife should not be less important than my career. He later told me, “my wife felt like I didn’t notice her anymore. She felt like I didn’t make her feel special. I was running from one meeting to the next and treating her like my personal assistant.” It happens. It’s easy to happen when you are soaring through life and getting ahead.

Pay attention to your spouse. Don’t forget to make them feel special. They need you and you need them.

2. You are NOT Safe – This one hits harder for me. You see, I have an amazing husband who thinks I am beautiful. Honestly? I have no idea what he sees in me! I mean, if you follow my blog than you know I am more than just a little overweight. I am “morbidly obese.” It’s not attractive, y’all. Not even a little bit. I always figured my husband must be a little bit deranged, or perhaps blinded by love to think I am beautiful. So I thought to myself, no worries at all, I will never fall into this trap because no one else will think I am attractive. Right? No. WRONG.  Something I failed to see is that there would be men out there who would see my heart, too. I kind of wear it on my sleeve, don’t I? There would be men out there who would notice me because my personality is even bigger than my body. Seriously. If you know me, you know this is true. One day, I realized that yes, this could make me unsafe.

It all happened when I was talking to a friend of mine from school – way back in the day. My little baby boy was playing in the play park at the mall and my husband was off getting his hair cut. The play area in the mall was located next to the bathrooms, so he passed by it and noticed me. He came over to talk to me right away. It had been a few years since he had seen me – and this was before Facebook connected everyone and their dog. We made small talk for awhile, and shortly before my husband returned he said, “I am sorry you are married already. I mean, you might not have married me any way, but I had – no have – this huge crush on you. You are the triple threat – smart, funny, and beautiful.” I laughed it off in the moment, but I was relieved when my husband returned. I introduced them to each other and it wasn’t long before he was off again. But in that moment, it was more than just those words. It was the look in his eyes. It made me wake up and realize that I wasn’t safe after all.

Sometimes, as the days get long and my body gets worse, I think the same thing. But here and there people come into my life, innocently. It always starts that way – but then sometimes a look or a comment makes me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps I read more into than I should, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Because it reminds me I always need to be on guard to protect myself from situations I don’t need to be in.

3. Be Careful When Life Gets In The Way – One of the common reasons for divorce is “we just didn’t love each other anymore.” THAT SHOULD NOT BE A REASON. I understand that life gets busy – it’s one of things that is so tragic about this world. You get married and you imagine what your life will be like together. Your honeymoon is a dream. Then you have a baby and that’s a dream, too. But then those babies – they kind of take over your life. They require a lot of time and attention. And then they grow – and you get even busier. Playdates, library trips, preschool programs. School starts and it all just seems to fly by – but then there are sports teams, dance practice, swimming lessons. At the end of the day after you have been running the kids from one extra curricular activity to the next, you just want to sit in front of the television and veg for awhile. You don’t want to talk to your spouse. You don’t want to talk about things that matter because it is exhausting, and let’s face it, you are already exhausted. You think about how wonderful it would be to escape together – take a little second honeymoon – but life is so busy you just don’t have the time. And then, you just don’t see each other any more. You keep busy with work, or with hobbies and it just seems like you become each other’s roommate.

Don’t let that happen. Date each other – do it often. Block it off in  your calendar if you have to. I get that it is harder to do with small children in the house, and sometimes babysitters are not affordable. But there are tons of great ideas for at home date nights floating around on the internet. Don’t give up on each other.

4. It’s Worth The Work – This is a popular one, too. “It just isn’t worth it anymore.” It probably stems from being so tired from your busy life that you think it isn’t worth it. But you know what? Marriage does take work. Every day. It is always a little bit of give and take. It’s always compromise. And marriage is ALWAYS worth it. Your spouse is always worth it. Sometimes you need to look back to the days when you first met and when you were dating. Remember how you felt when you were first falling in love? Grab that feeling. Explore that feeling a little – your spouse is still the same person you fell in love with all those years ago. They aren’t going to be perfect. But if you are in a committed relationship, then you are committed to not look for perfection in someone else.

Want to know a little secret about a good marriage? Your spouse gets even better over the years. My husband is not the man I married. I desperately loved him then – I could not wait to be his wife. But that guy back then had some flaws that he worked out. No, that we worked out together. I am sure that I am the same. I know I had some flaws too (like those anger issues – just ask him about that mirror I threw at him in our first year of marriage. Phew! But that is another story for another day!) But I will tell you my husband is more mature, more responsible, more loving, more kind, more gentle, more wise and more godly than he was when we got married 12 years ago. So much better. And I love him more.

Did you catch that? 12 years. We have been married for 12 years. It shouldn’t seem like a huge milestone. BUT IT IS. Right now? In this day and age – 12 years is amazing. So many people don’t make it to five years, let alone ten.

Just…try. Fight. Work on it. Love each other deeply. Don’t be afraid to get hurt – and apologize when you hurt each other. Make love, and lots of it. (Yeah, I said it!) Work through the hard things together. Celebrate when good things happen. Cry together when bad things happen. Pray a lot. God is right there with you in the middle of it all. He’s not distant. He’s fighting along side you. He is there when you are celebrating. He is there when  you are crying. He is there when you are feeling desperate. He knows. We had our wedding rings engraved – and inside of my husband’s ring it says “Marriage takes three. God, and you, and me.” It really and truly does.

If you have been divorced, this is not meant to make you feel ashamed. This is not meant to make you feel broken. This is meant to encourage you in your current marriage – or to give you hope for a future one.

Fight for love. Love each other. And don’t give up. Marriage is not something you should take lightly. It really and truly is a gift. Don’t throw it away! Cherish it. It’s sacred.