Psalm of my Heart

I see him drowning. I watch as he struggles to reach the surface. I watch, and I wish I could save him. But I can’t, and so I watch. Part of me wants to look away. But he is a piece of my soul and my feet are grounded where I stand as if they are part of the earth itself. He will not die. He is resillient. A light will dim in his eyes and in my heart. But it will be temporary – fleeting, like a rainbow after the rain.
I have done this song and dance before. Many times I’ve watched him drowning and prayed for him to swim. Sometimes he does. Other times it is as if the sea swallows him whole and he sinks into the depths. Please don’t let him sink this time…
When he is drowning, does he hear the voice of the One who walked upon the water? Does he cry out to You to save him? My only comfort as I watch him flailing is the same. You can cover us both. You are the only One who can save. And so I turn to You.
Oh, God, my heart is broken. My spirit is defeated like a withering flower on a cold autumn morning that still turns its face towards the sun. Old psalms that cry out to You to defeat the enemy ring true, but there is no enemy. Instead I cry out to You to rescue me from this life. Help me to be grateful for the sunshine AND the rain.
May I praise You in the mourning like I praise You when I am dancing. When I don’t hear You, when I don’t see You, help me still to trust. May I remember it is Your steadfast hand that guides us both through these tender days. That it is You who hears us, who sees us. It is You who loves us both when our feet are failing and our steps don’t seem secure.
You are gentle and kind. You are slow to anger and abounding in love. Help me to mirror You. Oh, how I long to be all of these things. But too often I am not gentle or kind, calm and loving. Change me, Lord. Change him, too.
In these dark moments when the clouds are many and the fog is thick, send Your light. Make it burn ferociously through the clouds so we can take comfort in knowing You are there. You are the Comfort that we seek. Grab hold of our hearts and don’t let them go. Hold on to us so we do not fall.

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