Psalm of my Heart

I see him drowning. I watch as he struggles to reach the surface. I watch, and I wish I could save him. But I can’t, and so I watch. Part of me wants to look away. But he is a piece of my soul and my feet are grounded where I stand as if they are part of the earth itself. He will not die. He is resillient. A light will dim in his eyes and in my heart. But it will be temporary – fleeting, like a rainbow after the rain.
I have done this song and dance before. Many times I’ve watched him drowning and prayed for him to swim. Sometimes he does. Other times it is as if the sea swallows him whole and he sinks into the depths. Please don’t let him sink this time…
When he is drowning, does he hear the voice of the One who walked upon the water? Does he cry out to You to save him? My only comfort as I watch him flailing is the same. You can cover us both. You are the only One who can save. And so I turn to You.
Oh, God, my heart is broken. My spirit is defeated like a withering flower on a cold autumn morning that still turns its face towards the sun. Old psalms that cry out to You to defeat the enemy ring true, but there is no enemy. Instead I cry out to You to rescue me from this life. Help me to be grateful for the sunshine AND the rain.
May I praise You in the mourning like I praise You when I am dancing. When I don’t hear You, when I don’t see You, help me still to trust. May I remember it is Your steadfast hand that guides us both through these tender days. That it is You who hears us, who sees us. It is You who loves us both when our feet are failing and our steps don’t seem secure.
You are gentle and kind. You are slow to anger and abounding in love. Help me to mirror You. Oh, how I long to be all of these things. But too often I am not gentle or kind, calm and loving. Change me, Lord. Change him, too.
In these dark moments when the clouds are many and the fog is thick, send Your light. Make it burn ferociously through the clouds so we can take comfort in knowing You are there. You are the Comfort that we seek. Grab hold of our hearts and don’t let them go. Hold on to us so we do not fall.

When You Struggle With Housework


I hate housework. There, I said it. There is something freeing about admitting it. But the truth is, I don’t just hate it, I resent it. Let’s face it – I never wanted to be a housewife. Yes, I wanted to be married. I wanted the kids. But I didn’t want the cleaning. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of marrying rich so I could have a maid…

Oh, my maid. She would leave everything sparkling clean in her midst. I’d never have to clean toilets. I would never have to do laundry. I would never have to wash the dishes. Instead, I married a very sweet man who is rich in love and kindness but not money. I wouldn’t have it anyway. Except for the housework.

I like to think I have changed a lot over the years. That as I have aged (so much grey hair) – I will have grown. And not just in numbers, but in matters of the heart. In wisdom. But most days, I just feel like a hot mess.

Right now, my house is pretty much a disaster. Yes, there are dishes in the sink. The laundry is in the process of getting washed and dried. The bathroom could use a good scrubbing. And don’t talk to me about the playroom. *shudder*

I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more desire to make it sparkle. Because oh, do I ever love it when it sparkles! But here’s the thing. I have these two little blessings that can turn a sparkling home into dirt and scatter in about ten minutes. It’s so frustrating. It’s so discouraging. It saps the energy and desire for a sparkling home right out of me.

Still. My husband loves a clean home. He’s not a clean freak (thank the Lord!) but he does like to come home to a tidy home where he doesn’t have to pitch in to make it liveable. If the house was clean, that would be my way of screaming I LOVE YOU! LOOK WHAT I DID! And oh, do I love him. So why do I still struggle?

There are so many factors. But here’s the cold, hard truth. God didn’t plan for me to marry rich. He didn’t plan for me to be a hard working career woman (although that was in MY plan). Instead, He blessed me with two special needs children that do require a lot of time and energy, love and supervision. He did bless me with a wonderful, supportive, loving and understanding husband. He’s blessed me much more than I deserve. And…well, it was His plan for me to be a housewife. A Mom who needs to cook and clean. All the time…

Colossians 3:23 says, “work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people,” That verse is challenging. Because you can’t ignore it. It means cleaning too. It means doing the best job you can in the role that He has placed you in. Even as a housewife.

Sometimes, a verse just stabs you right in the heart. I could say I’d rather leave my house a mess so I can invest in my children. Truth? I’d rather leave my house a mess so I can spend more time and energy doing the things I enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, I do invest a lot of time and energy into my children. But sometimes, a girl just needs a break.

If I were honest with myself, I know that if you keep up with a regular cleaning routine, it’s not overly time consuming. If you let the mess get the best of you, though, it takes a lot more time and energy to clean the house than it should.

I guess it’s going to be a struggle to try and remain ahead of the game. And try not to complain or grumble too much when it’s time to do laundry again and there’s just so much mess. Again. Because at the end of the day, it’s what my heart is like that matters, not my house. But if my house is causing my heart to not be fully committed to serving the Lord, I need to adjust a few things.

Time to change the laundry over. And figure out what to have for supper. And where did I leave that vacuum?



It’s Time to Love

The internet blew up today. The U.S. Supreme Court voted in favour of nationwide gay marriages, and everyone had something to say. I am not much for politics. Sadly, I’m not even a real news follower. But this was so widely broadcast, you couldn’t miss.

First of all, it is important for me to say that I am not what you would call a homophobe. I am in fact, what you would call a Christian. I really love Jesus. I want to follow after Him. I want to read the Scriptures, and live as the Scriptures tell me to do. So what happens, when something that goes against what the Scriptures say come to pass?

Let’s just take a quick look at what God says about homosexuality. It’s only mentioned a few times. One is in Leviticus 18:22 where it says, “Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.” Okay, so there it is. But wait…just wait. Another passage in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says, “Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people – none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.” Do you see that? It is in there. But wait…just wait. Look what else is in there – so much more. That kind of looks like a big list of different sins, doesn’t it?

I have always been taught that sin is sin. While committing murder seems to be a pretty huge sin, lying or cheating is a pretty big deal as well. Let’s just take this up a notch. While the Bible says homosexuality is a huge sin (and people are making a big deal about gay marriages and all of these “sinners”), it also says theives and greedy people and cheaters are sinners. And didn’t Jesus come to save sinners? Luke 19:10 says, “For the son of Man came to save those who are lost.” There it is. That’s what I was looking for.

Jesus came to save the lost. Those who are lost are those who sin. 1 Timothy 1:15 says, “this is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – and I am the worst of them all.” Yes, I do believe that. I do believe that I am the worst. You only see a small part of me, but you don’t know my deep dark secrets. You don’t know the worst thing I have ever done. And let me just say, I hope you never find out. That’s between me and my God. But you know what? My being a Christian does not make me any less of a sinner. Sadly, I am still right there. The only difference is that I seek out Christ’s forgiveness and try to live like Him. Even though I fail.

Jesus not only came to save the lost, He came to love. Romans 5:8 states, “but God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Did you see that? He came to love. As Christians, our only salvation, our only hope is that we can overcome the worst things we have ever done because He died on the cross for us. But it wasn’t just for us. It was for all of the homosexuals as well. And here’s the kicker – He calls us to do the same.

That might not look like dying a horrible death. But it does look like a sacrifice. In 1 John 2:6 it says, “those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.”That is such a simple instruction, is it not? In all areas of our lives, but especially in this particular issue. We just need to love. It’s a bit of a hard topic for Christians, and I get that. It will be difficult, at first. But I guarantee you that it will pay off.

So, Christians, I am talking to you. Today, when I heard the news, I was a bit shaken. Not because of the Supreme Court’s decision – let’s face it, we knew that was coming. We know the world we are living in. I was more shaken by the hateful comments that Christians were leaving all across social media. Christians. Yikes.

Philippians 2: 5-11. Your attitude should be the same as Christ. He loved. He died. What will you do? I implore you to love. To show kindness. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the lifestyle. This doesn’t mean you have to be huge supporters. It just means you have to love. It means you need to stop with the hateful comments. It means you need to reach out, as Christ did. Even in the smallest ways.

It’s time to love.