What Have I Become?

September 30, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Sitting in a coffee shop, soulful music playing. The sound of grinding coffee as the aroma assails my senses. I look around and see other people milling around me. My eyes are drawn to a girl at the table next to me. Propped up beside her is an overflowing bag – books spilling out around her feet. On the table beside her coffee cup is a large text and an array of highlighters. I smile. I used to be that girl…

I seems so long ago that I sat in this same coffee shop. Nestled in a amongst other businesses downtown, it can be a place of solitude. I would come here to study. Yes, I was that girl with a bag full of books. I was the girl with the massive amount of assignments with deadlines looming. As I sipped my latte, my eyebrows furrowed with worry – would it all be completed in time?

Yes. From this perspective, everything was completed in time. The degrees were earned. The success celebrated. The thirst for knowledge quenched and the sense of adventure awaiting me. But it didn’t last. It passed along with other dreams.

I sit and sip my latte now as a group of girls enter together, laughing as they place thier order. I smile. I was once in a group of those girls as well. It seems forever ago now. So carefree, no pressures. No stresses. Just fun. I have been that girl. But she is long gone now.

I look up and see another woman, accomplished. Dressed smartly, a powerhouse career woman who places her order and leaves in a rush of wind that brought her in. I smile at her – but not because I was her. I never actually was, though I dreamed about it. And let’s be honest, sometimes I still do. I wonder what it is like to be at the top of the game. What is it like to be a career woman? Does she feel fulfilled? I’ll never know. I can’t imagine being on the clock after the sun has gone down.

Then I see a woman I recognize. She looks tired and weary. She grabs a coffee with her husband who looks equally as worn out as she does. As they sink into the armchairs in the corner, I almost hear their collective sighs. Yes, I know you. Right now, I am you.

What have I become? Looking back at all these different woman who I have once been or once dreamed of being brings a twinge of discontent. I had such dreams. I had such goals. I would be a successful journalist. I would write a book. I would marry and have children. I would truly have it all.

How many of us look back on our lives and realize we have acheived our dreams? I would hazard a guess that perhaps not many of us have reached that place. And from where I sit right now, stealing glances of all these other people – I am okay with not acheiving mine.

Let me be real. It is currently a desire of mine to write a book. I don’t know what I would write about. But sometimes, I dream of holding a book in my hands with my name on the cover. It is as real as my dream was to be a career woman some years ago. But dreams change. And I now know why.

God has different plans.

Psalm 16:9 says, “we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” Oh, how I understand this. It wasn’t in my plans to have children right away after I got married. That career woman plan was foiled with two pink lines that showed up on a test my last semester when I was mere weeks away from earning my second degree. A rush of emotions of excitement, fear and disappointment assailed me. But then as the weeks went on, only excitement. And when I saw that sweet baby face, fresh from my own womb – elation. I was blessed to experience this again, when my second son was born.

Plans changed. I became a stay at home mom – with that career woman plan pushed to the back burner. I was not ready to give up. Plan B was written – I would wait until my children were in school and then would become the career woman I wanted to be.

Plans changed once more. An autism diagnosis. And then another. A series of phone calls from the school requesting my presence. Over and over and over again. Goodbye, career woman.

The funny thing is, it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would to let that dream go. It feels like letting this dream go would hurt more. But, I am prepared. Because in the past ten years I have learned that His plans matter more.

My children are my career. Oh, how they need me. They depend on me to be there consistently. They need me to be there for them in so many different ways. The one to fight for them and their needs. The one who will sit through monthly meetings discussing their behaviour and acadmic struggles. The one who will make sure the house is clean, the laundry is done, the supper is on the table. The one who will guide them to make right choices. The one who will sit beside them as they cry. Who will hold them when they are the only one who hasn’t been invited to a birthday party. Again.

God’s path is staring me right in the face. As I sit here sippnig this latte in this quiet coffee shop, I know that. I don’t know if I will ever write a book (although I sure have lots to write about). This time that I have dedicated to write once a week often seems silly to me – I am not a writer. The dream is still there, but in my heart I know my God is enough. This blog is enough.

What have I become? Long gone is the carefree girl. Long gone the studious woman. Instead, a tired Mom who breathes a sigh of relief as she sits down with a latte and a laptop and writes. And I am so thankful for God’s path – because it is better than anything I could ever have dreamed up.

Devotional

When You Struggle With Housework

September 23, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

I hate housework. There, I said it. There is something freeing about admitting it. But the truth is, I don’t just hate it, I resent it. Let’s face it – I never wanted to be a housewife. Yes, I wanted to be married. I wanted the kids. But I didn’t want the cleaning. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of marrying rich so I could have a maid…

Oh, my maid. She would leave everything sparkling clean in her midst. I’d never have to clean toilets. I would never have to do laundry. I would never have to wash the dishes. Instead, I married a very sweet man who is rich in love and kindness but not money. I wouldn’t have it anyway. Except for the housework.

I like to think I have changed a lot over the years. That as I have aged (so much grey hair) – I will have grown. And not just in numbers, but in matters of the heart. In wisdom. But most days, I just feel like a hot mess.

Right now, my house is pretty much a disaster. Yes, there are dishes in the sink. The laundry is in the process of getting washed and dried. The bathroom could use a good scrubbing. And don’t talk to me about the playroom. *shudder*

I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more desire to make it sparkle. Because oh, do I ever love it when it sparkles! But here’s the thing. I have these two little blessings that can turn a sparkling home into dirt and scatter in about ten minutes. It’s so frustrating. It’s so discouraging. It saps the energy and desire for a sparkling home right out of me.

Still. My husband loves a clean home. He’s not a clean freak (thank the Lord!) but he does like to come home to a tidy home where he doesn’t have to pitch in to make it liveable. If the house was clean, that would be my way of screaming I LOVE YOU! LOOK WHAT I DID! And oh, do I love him. So why do I still struggle?

There are so many factors. But here’s the cold, hard truth. God didn’t plan for me to marry rich. He didn’t plan for me to be a hard working career woman (although that was in MY plan). Instead, He blessed me with two special needs children that do require a lot of time and energy, love and supervision. He did bless me with a wonderful, supportive, loving and understanding husband. He’s blessed me much more than I deserve. And…well, it was His plan for me to be a housewife. A Mom who needs to cook and clean. All the time…

Colossians 3:23 says, “work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people,” That verse is challenging. Because you can’t ignore it. It means cleaning too. It means doing the best job you can in the role that He has placed you in. Even as a housewife.

Sometimes, a verse just stabs you right in the heart. I could say I’d rather leave my house a mess so I can invest in my children. Truth? I’d rather leave my house a mess so I can spend more time and energy doing the things I enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, I do invest a lot of time and energy into my children. But sometimes, a girl just needs a break.

If I were honest with myself, I know that if you keep up with a regular cleaning routine, it’s not overly time consuming. If you let the mess get the best of you, though, it takes a lot more time and energy to clean the house than it should.

I guess it’s going to be a struggle to try and remain ahead of the game. And try not to complain or grumble too much when it’s time to do laundry again and there’s just so much mess. Again. Because at the end of the day, it’s what my heart is like that matters, not my house. But if my house is causing my heart to not be fully committed to serving the Lord, I need to adjust a few things.

Time to change the laundry over. And figure out what to have for supper. And where did I leave that vacuum?

Autism

The One You Call

September 14, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

It’s been a week since the start of the school year. We made it through, relatively unscathed. It’s never easy sending these little ones back to school, is it? It’s always a hard thing to do…
I overheard mothers on the playground talk about their relief that school was starting again – they’d get a nice break during the day from their kids. Time to have showers in peace and meet friends for coffee dates. Time to shop at the mall. Long, luxurious mornings. I get that, moms. I do. But then again, I don’t get it at all.
Let’s face it, I still can’t shower in peace. Even if I am home alone and decide to shower – that peace could be shattered in a second when the phone rings and it’s the school. I still try to meet my friends for coffee dates, and I am so thankful for the understanding friends I have who get that sometimes we need to cut it short when the school calls. I’d love to shop at the mall and take time to look through the shops I never get to because I just can’t do it with my children. But, even then I am just a phone call away.
Even still – that’s what I am here for. Mom. The one you call. The one you call when you’re not feeling well. The one you call when you’ve soaked your clothes on the playground and need some clean, dry socks immediately. We Moms know the drill. But then, I am also the one you call when someone can’t calm down. I’m the one you call when they’re screaming. Throwing things. The one you call when they need to be sent home. When they need to cool down. I’m the one you call.
It breaks my heart when I am the one you call. I don’t mind retrieving extra clothes or bringing in something you’ve forgotten. I don’t even mind coming when you’re not feeling well – even though I don’t like seeing you sick. I just hate getting the other calls. The ones that make me want to hang my head in shame that I am that Mom whose kid has been kicked out of class and sent home for the day. It breaks my heart when they do things that get them in hot water.
I feel embarrassed sometimes. I’m the one you call when my kid ruins something in the class. I want to hang my head in shame that they’ve broken a pair of eye glasses. Knocked over a plant. Smashed another student’s lunch to smithereens. And I know. I know it’s not my fault. But I am still embarrassed. I still feel like I am not doing anything right.
I will get over it, though. Because I am the one you call. I’ll be there as soon as I can make it and I will hold my head up as you tell me all that my child has done. I will apologize. I will give them a disappointed look. They know the look.
But then, I will move on. Because I’m the one you call. And this won’t be the last time. So I am not the one that will rejoice when my children return to school because it’s not peaceful. It’s sometimes stressful. It’s always an adjustment. It’s always a trial period.
We’re always trying new things. We’re always trying to make the way for you easier. Better. I know some day, it will be. And finally, when things are working smoothly and you’re doing amazing the school year will end. And we will go through this all over again.
It’s not easy being the one you call. Every time you call, I cry a little bit inside. I don’t even know why, because I’m not sorry that I don’t have a child like all those other Moms who are enjoying their lattes and shopping and getting their nails done. Because those other Moms don’t have you. They don’t have your laughter. They don’t have your extraordinary take on the world. They don’t have your love. They just don’t have you.
So, call me. I will be there for you. Even when it’s heart breaking. Even when it’s happened for the second time this week. Even when I just want one of the latte sipping, manicure getting, shop til you drop kind of days. I’d rather drop everything for you. I will always be the one you call.

Uncategorized

Taming the Tongue

August 22, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

One of my favourite songs is Ever Be by Bethel. The chorus boasts, “Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips.” I love the preceding line that says “faithful You have been and faithful You will be, you pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing…”

I do sing. I sing all the time. In the shower. In the kitchen while making meals. Driving in the car. Always singing songs of praise to God. But then, in the next few minutes something happens that causes me to become frustrated, offended, or angry…and I change my tune. How can I praise God with my lips and then a few minutes layer spew angry words over something frustrating?

James 1:26 says, “If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless.” Ouch. That stings a little bit.

Let’s look at this another way. If you are get a raise at work the very same day a new tax law comes into place – your new raise is cancelled out by the taxes you now will have to pay. In the same way, when you sing praises to God one moment and then in the next few moments can’t control your tongue – does not one action cancel out the other?

It is so hard to grasp how something so simple can have a magnitude of ramifications and consequences. James really lays it all out here in 3:5-10, “the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire,. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison, Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.”

These are convicting words. But there is hope. Even in the midst of this convicting statement, James says in verse 2, “indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.” There is hope because in the midst of the brokenness, God looks to your heart and sees you trying. It is never easy. We always fail, in one way or another. But when we strive towards perfection, though we will never achieve it here on earth, it pleases Him.

While we are struggling, we can always reach out to Him to help us. How he loves for us to call on His name and gives generously to those who do so. In Psalm 141:3 the psalmist David prays, “take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips.” I have a friend who says she prays this prayer every day, because she struggles with saying things that may come across as offensive to some when she doesn’t intend to be hurtful or unkind.

Taming the tongue is a lifelong struggle for many people. Controlling the tongue might mean not lying. It might mean not swearing. It might mean not speaking out in anger. All of these things are challenging for us because we live in a world of broken people. But we do have hope, “for God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.”

That power? It’s not your typical super hero power that you might see in the movies. Can you grasp this power? Can you think about this power with me, for just a minute? Ephesians 1:19 says, “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him in the place of honour at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.” Oh, that power. YES, THAT POWER! That power, lives in YOU. When you receive the gift of salvation, you receive this inner strength through His spirit. That power is in you. So on days when you feel like a failure, think on this.

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Phil. 3:20

Uncategorized

Mortgage Insurance – Are You Sure You’ll Get A Payout After You Die?

August 20, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

*I know this isn’t my typical posting material, but after doing some research on this topic, I felt compelled to share it with others as it seems very important.*

When we bought our house two years ago, it was a bit of a whirlwind. We decided to look around, and I contacted a real estate agent. In about twenty minutes, she was over at our house with spec sheets of different houses to look at – at 10:00 p.m. The whole buying process was too quick for my liking – but that’s another story for another day. Today, I want to talk about mortgage insurance.

First, although I work at a life insurance company, I am not a financial advisor or life insurance salesperson – therefore, I do not have a professional opinion on the matter. However, I do have a personal opinion, and like to think I have learned quite a bit about the topic of insurance while on the job. And what I have to share, I am pretty sure you are going to want to know.

In the midst of the quick house tours and the rapid purchase offers and then the piles of paperwork that comes with buying a house is a little thing called mortgage insurance. When we were purchasing our house, I specifically remember this moment – maybe because I work around others who work in the insurance business – but out of all those moments, I remember being asked about insurance. I do value life insurance, so I decided to sign up for mortgage insurance as well. Never again. Want to know why? I’ve learned a lot.

Here are some important things you need to know that they do not tell you…

Premiums will go up while the coverage will go down. When you apply for your mortgage insurance, you are applying to cover the cost of your existing loan. As you pay on your mortgage, the debt will decrease. However, every time you renew your mortgage, the cost of the premium (or monthly payment) will increase due to your increase in age and other factors. Why pay more for less?

Mortgage Insurance is rarely guaranteed. Let’s start out with the cold, hard truth for you. Even if you have a policy for mortgage insurance and you are covered under that plan, it doesn’t mean when you (or another person on your plan) passes away you will receive a claim. What?! I know! Right now, I hold a policy where the payments are approximately $30 a month. That doesn’t really seem like a lot of money, but in the two years of owning my home, I’ve spent about $720 on mortgage insurance. Put it in that perspective, and it seems like an awful lot of money to spend on something that is not guaranteed. When you apply, all the insurance company qualifies you to do is PAY YOUR PREMIUMS. The rest comes later…

It’s just one more form to sign and the application is too easy. This is they key! When we filled out our application for our mortgage insurance, we were sitting in the lawyers office and unfortunately, had our children underfoot. Not very ideal for such an important conversation. Our lawyer even mentioned that we would be “in and out” and that we only had to “sign a few things.” When you are a first time home owner, the process can be overwhelming. It is always best to be educated and prepared when making a major decision like the purchase of a home, but everything happens so quickly it is easy to get caught up. The form we were given had approximately three questions on it – very specific questions. They were easy to answer and we signed right along with the other forms for the sale of our house. That’s because the only thing that we were authorizing the insurance company to do was access our medical files – we weren’t actually answering anything specific to our health. There’s a reason why it is easy to apply for mortgage insurance (and why it is a bit more tricky to apply for life insurance). While life insurance companies do their underwriting process (medical examination and background history) at the time of application, many mortgage companies do their underwriting process posthumously. So, after you are gone and your loved ones are expecting to receive a claim that will pay off the mortgage, the insurance company is processing your medical files for reasons not to pay out. The reason why mortgage insurance companies (especially banks who offer mortgage insurance) do this, is because they are collecting your money and not having to pay out their own money for expensive medical examinations – they only have to pay out for medical exams on the few clients who die.

It is easy to be denied, after the fact. While you might think you are in perfect health, it can appear otherwise to an insurance company underwriter looking at your medical files. For example, if you have a routine doctor’s visit and have your blood pressure tested – that could count as treatment for high blood pressure and a strike against you and your insurance claim. If you have been to the doctor because you were on a tropical vacation and something didn’t agree with you – or have had a bad case of the flu – that counts as seeing a doctor because of gastric or intestinal issues. If you have a mammogram, a pap smear or a prostate exam – those count as being tested for cancer. It’s not having these tests that disqualify you from insurance – but you have to indicate that YOU HAVE BEEN TESTED. Most people wouldn’t even consider these as “treatments” because they are routine tests after you reach a certain age. If you fail to indicate this, the insurance companies will consider this fraud and you could be disqualified. When they are looking for something, they are looking to save money. They don’t want to have to pay out – and most banks and insurance companies will not even refund your paid premiums either.

Insurance brokers are a better way to go when looking at insurance for your life or your home. The main reason for this is because they are LICENCED to sell insurance. They’ve had to go through the lengthy process of studying the industry and earning their qualifications to sell the insurance to you. When you are thinking of purchasing insurance, they will actually sit down and talk with you. They will go through the underwriting process with you, explaining the questions as they go along and why they need to ask them. While this is helpful, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will be automatically approved on the spot. After applying for insurance with your broker, you will still need to have a blood test, vitals test, and a urinalysis before you are are approved. And sometimes, they’ll need a statement from your doctor. Even if you do have some medical issues, you can still qualify for insurance – you just might have to pay a bit more. But the real assurance is this – if you apply this way, and are approved, you are guaranteed your coverage. What you pay for is what you get, and after you die your loved ones will receive a claim.

I hold a journalism degree, and as such, always like to have more than one side of the story. I contacted the company that holds my life insurance and spoke to an “agent” on the phone. She was very polite, but was not qualified to answer my questions. I was directed to another individual who did not give me clear and concise answers, and who refused to answer whether a medical examination would be done before my claim was processed.

I decided to weigh in on what others were thinking and asked a few of my friends who had recently purchased a home, and those who have been home owners for quite some time. It seemed that any one who purchased a home in recent years signed a form quickly but felt uneasy about what they had signed, as they did not receive very much information on this so called “mortgage insurance”. There were others who were not given the option to decline the mortgage insurance when they purchased their home as they could not apply for a mortgage unless they applied for mortgage insurance as well. Many of the seasoned home owners did not have mortgage insurance – seems they learned some of the things I have along the way and decided it was overall a bad idea.

At this moment, I still have mortgage insurance. I am discouraged that I have spent so much on something that was such a waste. I am thankful my husband and I both hold personally owned life insurance plans, so we are prepared in some sense. After I’ve learned what I know now, I will be cancelling my mortgage insurance policy. Will you?

**Here is an informative video that shares the story of two different families who were denied an insurance claim after there was a death or illness, when they thought they were covered by their mortgage insurance.**

Autism

Knowing Time

August 8, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Today I was looking back on some photos from five years ago when we were at a wedding shower for my brother in law. I love wedding showers. I love baby showers too. It’s such a great way to celebrate the bigger moments in life.

I was excited to attend this wedding shower with my family. It was meant to be a low key family barbecue with a few friends thrown into the mix. We each brought a side dish and my inlaws had bought a cake. It was a beautiful, sunny August day with a breeze that made it bearable. It was the perfect day for this event. But, sadly, it was anything but prefect.

I wish I could have known what I know now back then. Sometimes time is a wonderful thing. These five years have brought us so much wisdom and understanding. It’s easier to do life now, knowing what we know. The boys would have been three and five at this event. They were so young. I’d like to believe that most children that age would have a hard time at an event like this, but I don’t know. Because now I know both my boys are autistic. On that day? We didn’t know.

Something else I didn’t know was time. This event was scheduled for six o’clock, which is a perfectly acceptable time for an evening barbecue. But I didn’t know then what I know now – any event on or after six o’clock should not be attended by my children. After holding themselves together all day, they just can’t handle it any more. Yesterday my Aiden asked if he could attend our church middle school youth group next year. I didn’t have the heart to say yes. Because I just don’t know from what I know about time.

At this barbecue, there was an incident. Time has allowed us to understand “incidents” a bit more. It has enabled us to be aware of what triggers them. Time has been kind, and we are almost always able to avoid public incidents (excluding the school related ones), because we can tell when they’re about to happen. If you’ve seen us out and about and we drop everything and run, that’s what avoiding an incident looks like. But on this day, we didn’t know. So when two adults started running towards the groom to throw cake in his face, and two little boys followed suit, it was the boys who were reprimanded. Knowing what I know, it was extremely inappropriate for these adults (my husband included) to exemplify behavior these children had no way to measure was not socially acceptable. Looking back, my husband wishes he had never had touched the cake. And that makes me sad, but it’s life. Something done in love and jest from one brother to another has to be carefully calculated because of the ramifications it could bring about.

Yes, time is kind. Time has allowed us to learn and grow in so many ways. We are more equipped to weather the storms we face. We’re able to avoid many situations that aren’t ideal for our family. Sometimes it’s sad to have to decline invitations. But time has made us realize it is necessary.

In a few short weeks, there will be another family barbecue. Time has allowed us all to understand the necessary steps to have a successful gathering. We will try again, and use time and experience as a guide. I pray we’re successful. If not, I know in time, we will be.

Marriage

It’s the Little Things

July 26, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

I want a good marriage. I want a relationship that is full of love, respect and intimacy. I don’t want to be sharing a house with a stranger. I don’t want to be living life with a glorified room mate. I don’t want to live with emptiness.

I know I’m blessed. I don’t have a loveless marriage. I don’t share a house with a stranger. I live life with a deeply intimate friend. Someone who knows my quirks, who understands my needs. Someone who listens to me. Someone who knows what I enjoy and what I really can’t stand.

Yesterday, he brought me a salad. A delicious looking Greek salad, with the special creamy feta dressing I just love. Leafy greens, black olives, cherry tomatoes. Things that no one else in my family enjoys – just me. He could have bought a salad everyone would like, and he did. But he knew I would love that Greek Salad more, so he bought both. It’s the little things like that, I think, that make a marriage strong.

When we first met and started dating, I was incredibly busy. It was my last year of university and the work was monumental. I had so much to do. I remember making lists of assignments and obligations that would consume my time. I remember looking at the lists and thinking, “this will never get done.” During that time, I squeezed in little dates with him. Breakfast in the morning when he was coming off his night shift and before I headed to a full day at school. A quick coffee date in the afternoon in between classes. Spending time with him is how he understood how much I cared about him. Do you know when I knew I was in love with him? It was because of the mail.

That might sound silly to you. But in all my busyness, I had a stack of mail – some important, some just letters (back in the day when people still hand wrote letters to each other) – and it was sitting on my desk. I had so much to do, I kept meaning to take it with me, but kept forgetting. For about a week, it sat on my desk and didn’t move. One afternoon, I came home and the mail was gone. I asked my room mate about it, but she didn’t know where it had gone to. I started to panic a little, there was an important document in one of that stack that really needed to be mailed. How could I have lost it? About that time, he knocked on the door to drop me off to a night class. I told him I would be ready in a minute, that I needed to find a missing letter. After a few minutes, he asked if it had been ready to be mailed. When I confirmed his suspicions, he casually mentioned he’d mailed my stack of mail that morning. Wait…what? He’d picked me up that morning to take me for coffee and had noticed my mail pile was still on my desk, and figured he’d just take that one thing off my growing to do list for me. It was a simple act on his part. He doesn’t even think about it to this day, really. But sometimes, when I look at him, I think of that mail. Such a simple thing to do, he’d said. But to me it was as monumental as the list of assignments and obligations I had mounting during that season.

We’ve been through a lot of seasons together, and we have weathered many storms. Some small storms. Some really, really big storms. Not all storms have to surface because of marital unrest – some storm come just because of life. In our seasons, we’ve become closer. We’ve become more aware of each other and what the other needs. We understand each other.

Once upon a time, I used to think it was offensive when people called a long lasting marriage like “a comfortable old shoe.” But now, I get it. Old shoes are favourite shoes. You can buy the prettiest, snazziest pair of shoes you’ve ever seen only to discover they make your feet hurt so much you only wear them once. But old, comfortable shoes you wear every time you need to go out. You slip your feet into something that hasn’t failed you. Something trustworthy and reliable. You wear those shoes until they die, and then afterwards, you mourn that loss when you need to buy a new pair that just isn’t the same.

Yes, I have a great husband. The best, in fact. Before we met, there was another man who was interested in me. In fact, he wanted to marry me. But something just didn’t seem right about. Looking back on life, and the different seasons and trials that have come since that day – I know why something didn’t seem right to me. Knowing what I know now, and all that has transpired, he wouldn’t have been able to handle all the hardship and trials that my husband and I have faced in our lives together. That man, while he had some great qualities, would not have been able to handle the seasons of hardship with such grace and love as my husband has. Just one of the reasons I love him. Just one of the reasons why I know that he was perfectly planned for me by my Saviour, who knows all.

But there is this thing about marriage that is just so heartbreaking. It’s that no one seems to want to weather the storms together any more. With our ever changing society, with all the acceptance and the shifting sands of time, marriage just isn’t important any more. I remember standing in the bridal shop looking at dresses with a friend of mine who was getting married and overhearing a bride to be talking about her soon to be husband. She turned to her friend and said if it didn’t work out, there was always divorce – and she had another guy lined up and waiting! Definitely not the way to start a marriage. So it’s not really surprising that people struggle so much.

Whenever I hear about a friend or even an acquaintance whose marriage has fallen apart, it leaves me shaken. It’s like something rocks my happy little bubble and I suddenly think, if it could happen to them then it can happen to me. Especially when I see fellow Christians have marriages that fall apart. It doesn’t really take much to let things slide.

People sometimes ask me why we’re still happy together, after a decade of married life. I am really not an expert on marriage, because I still don’t feel like I have been married for very long. But what I can say is that busyness is the worst enemy in a marriage. When you roll into bed at night and climb out of bed in the morning and realize you haven’t really seen them all day. Busyness is a marriage killer. It is so very important to set aside time to spend together. Even if you can’t leave the house because of small children, it is important to do things together. Connection and communication are the key.

A faithful, love filled marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes time and commitment. It takes constant interaction. Really, it’s just the little things. Husbands, listening to their wives talk about their day when they just want to come home and have some down time in front of the TV. Wives, understanding that their husband just needs a few minutes to transition between work and home. Husbands, appreciating the time and effort it takes their wives to keep a home running. Wives, understanding the fact that just because their husband doesn’t notice all the details doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

It’s the little things in a marriage that are most important. The little things that are the glue that hold it all together. Like mailing letters. Like buying flowers every once in awhile. Little smiles shared in a brief moment. It’s the little things that make a love strong. Little things that can make a marriage last in a world of ending marriages.

Uncategorized

When The Church Hurts Your Heart ~ A Reading Reflection

July 5, 2015February 18, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Brokenness. It’s everywhere. Not one of us has a perfect life. Several of us have been hurt to our very core. Several of us are hurting, right now. When hurt comes and settles somewhere deep, deep down into your spirit, it is so hard to heal. Spiritual brokenness can tamper with more than just your heart. Especially when you are hurting because of other believers.

Suzanne Eller has written a beautiful book entitled The Mended Heart. It is a book that deals with the broken places – even the places you have buried deep. Her chapter entitled, “When The Church Hurts Your Heart” gave me pause and stirred up something in my heart that was buried deep. Quite deep, in fact.

A long time ago, in a place not so far away, I attended a very small church. It was one of those cute, quaint country churches nestled at the top of a hill. The people who attended the church were lovely. I attended that church for a few years before I discovered that deep down, they were also very broken. It is important to mention that I attended this church as a youth, and not as an adult. There were goings on in this church that did not register with me because of that fact. It is also important to mention that of this particular church, my father was the pastor.

Being the daughter of a pastor is not an easy task. I have so much empathy for the children of pastors, because I have been in their shoes. Eyes watching their every move. Unrealistic expectations of how the pastors children should behave. But that is a story for another day.

This story is about brokenness. In her book, Suzanne Eller writes, Christ is the head of the church, and that is where we find our truth, but we also realize that pastoring is one of the hardest jobs there is, and many times a pastor or pastor’s family endures spiritual abuse at the hands of leaders in his church, or by members who are demanding or want to have influence in every detail of a church’s running. (p.70)

This struck a chord with me. Deep, deep, down. Something I had buried bubbled to the top. Several years ago, my heart was broken in a church. My heart was broken because of the way that I was treated, and the way that my family was treated. It hurt very much, and I never did deal with it properly. Likely because I was so young and immature at the time. Looking back as an adult, I can feel the brokenness that was there.

Why do churches hurt? Why do Christians hurt one another? It’s because of brokenness. No matter how much we love God, we are not perfect. We are broken, we are hurting. Sometimes this affects the way we deal with one another.

Recently, I watched another church go through a difficult situation together. I was never a member of this church, but had connections with several members of the congregation. And I also knew the pastor very well. He is such a wonderful man of God. Suzanne Eller defines the heart of true Christian leadership by writing, it’s the attitude of a servant who obeys the soft whisper of the Holy Spirit, even in the hardest of places, and who lives so that others might gain a glimpse of glory. (p.61) The pastor of that church? He fits that description so perfectly. When I learned of how he dealt with matters in this church, with things that made my blood want to boil, I could see someone in whom the light of Christ was shining. In fact, the light of Christ was shining through so strongly it could have lit up not only the entire church, but the entire street block and beyond. He was hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. He was perplexed, but not in despair. He was persecuted – oh, was he persecuted! But he was not abandoned by the Lord. He was struck down, again and again and again, but he was not destroyed.

Ten years ago, I would have described this church as filled with love and joy. Two years ago, I would have described this church as suffering under persecution due to a small number of people at the wheel. This church endured a great deal of pain. This church endured a great amount of sorrow. Sadly, the church split. A church split that came from deep brokenness.

When a church split occurs, it is usually from lack of unity and a lack of the Body of Christ coming together. The Body of Christ, when it works scripturally, is a powerful force for change and a light that beckons us to know God, but it will never be ideal. It wasn’t without fault in Scripture, and it is not without fault today. (p.67) We are not a perfect people. We are filled with sin, we are filled with imperfections. We are broken.

I had the terribly awkward experience of visiting this church when the split occurred. It was completely unplanned on my part, although not unexpected that it happened while I was there. While visiting with some members of this congregation, I expressed my frustration over the goings on in the church and in my frustration, spoke my mind to a very trusted few. They listened. They wept. One spoke up and said, “you have to remember, these aren’t just people to us. They are family.” A very powerful reminder. The church is a family. Every family I know, including my own, has to work through the good and the bad together if they want to create a thriving environment. (p. 72).

Sometimes, it is not easy to work together. Sometimes, it is impossible to work together, and a church split occurs. But the good news? Jesus can take the brokenness arising from a church split and make it whole. This particular church survived the split and is growing in love and grace. They have been blessed with new members to fill the empty seats. There is great love and joy where there was once sorrow. God is good.

God is good, even in the brokenness. I have had to learn this as it relates to the church over and over and over again in my short life. Let me just say, I love my current church. I consider the people in my church family. Our pastors are both amazing, godly men who serve their church, their community and their city with love and grace. Even so, I have considered leaving our church a time or two. Because no matter how amazing our church is, we are made up of a broken people. We are made up of people who can sometimes hurt each other. Even in this church that I love, I have been hurt deeply by people. People have said hurtful things about me and members of my family. But there is hope. In a church made up of messy people, there is hope as we serve and love one another with humility, standing upon a solid Rock that will never give way beneath our feet. (p. 74)

Yes, I have been hurt. Yes, Satan has a way of bringing past hurts to the surface, often when you least expect them. But Jesus will overcome. He has shown me the gift of grace and forgiveness. He has shown me that many of these hurts have arisen because of misunderstanding. He has shown me how to love through the tears.

A few years ago, one of our pastors gave me a wonderful gift. He asked me if I would consider writing a piece about hope for a publication he was going to make available for our church members to read during the Easter season. I immediately agreed to write something, but it was a few days before I knew what to write. Suddenly, the words flowed from me and it wasn’t long before I had submitted my story. Then the waiting began. I nervously waited weeks until that publication was sitting out in the foyer of our church for all to see. I listened as the pastor encourage everyone to take a copy home. I was fearful, knowing everyone there would have the opportunity to read something I had written that was incredibly transparent. I rushed home that day and didn’t answer the phone, read e-mails or check Facebook in case someone would try and contact me.

You can’t run away, though, can you? People found me one way or another. I was so afraid, but all I found was love. People e-mailed to ask questions. People called to pray for me. People stopped me in the grocery store for a hug. It was beautiful. Writing my story opened doors for me to overcome fears. I am able to sing on our worship team and actually lead worship because I had become transparent with my church family and had received love. I had witnessed the Body of Christ serving and loving one another with humility.

I have experienced that over and over and over again in my church. I feel incredibly blessed to be part of a church full of messy people who love each other. If you are hurting, and your church is not a welcome place for you, you are free to search out Scriptures and find a healthy body of believers with whom to worship and fellowship. (p.71)

The church is made up of people who belong to the Lord. In our brokenness, we make mistakes. In our brokenness, we hurt others. In our brokenness, we might not display Christ as we should. But we do love and we can forgive.

Devotional

It’s Time to Love

June 26, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

The internet blew up today. The U.S. Supreme Court voted in favour of nationwide gay marriages, and everyone had something to say. I am not much for politics. Sadly, I’m not even a real news follower. But this was so widely broadcast, you couldn’t miss.

First of all, it is important for me to say that I am not what you would call a homophobe. I am in fact, what you would call a Christian. I really love Jesus. I want to follow after Him. I want to read the Scriptures, and live as the Scriptures tell me to do. So what happens, when something that goes against what the Scriptures say come to pass?

Let’s just take a quick look at what God says about homosexuality. It’s only mentioned a few times. One is in Leviticus 18:22 where it says, “Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.” Okay, so there it is. But wait…just wait. Another passage in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says, “Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people – none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.” Do you see that? It is in there. But wait…just wait. Look what else is in there – so much more. That kind of looks like a big list of different sins, doesn’t it?

I have always been taught that sin is sin. While committing murder seems to be a pretty huge sin, lying or cheating is a pretty big deal as well. Let’s just take this up a notch. While the Bible says homosexuality is a huge sin (and people are making a big deal about gay marriages and all of these “sinners”), it also says theives and greedy people and cheaters are sinners. And didn’t Jesus come to save sinners? Luke 19:10 says, “For the son of Man came to save those who are lost.” There it is. That’s what I was looking for.

Jesus came to save the lost. Those who are lost are those who sin. 1 Timothy 1:15 says, “this is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – and I am the worst of them all.” Yes, I do believe that. I do believe that I am the worst. You only see a small part of me, but you don’t know my deep dark secrets. You don’t know the worst thing I have ever done. And let me just say, I hope you never find out. That’s between me and my God. But you know what? My being a Christian does not make me any less of a sinner. Sadly, I am still right there. The only difference is that I seek out Christ’s forgiveness and try to live like Him. Even though I fail.

Jesus not only came to save the lost, He came to love. Romans 5:8 states, “but God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Did you see that? He came to love. As Christians, our only salvation, our only hope is that we can overcome the worst things we have ever done because He died on the cross for us. But it wasn’t just for us. It was for all of the homosexuals as well. And here’s the kicker – He calls us to do the same.

That might not look like dying a horrible death. But it does look like a sacrifice. In 1 John 2:6 it says, “those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.”That is such a simple instruction, is it not? In all areas of our lives, but especially in this particular issue. We just need to love. It’s a bit of a hard topic for Christians, and I get that. It will be difficult, at first. But I guarantee you that it will pay off.

So, Christians, I am talking to you. Today, when I heard the news, I was a bit shaken. Not because of the Supreme Court’s decision – let’s face it, we knew that was coming. We know the world we are living in. I was more shaken by the hateful comments that Christians were leaving all across social media. Christians. Yikes.

Philippians 2: 5-11. Your attitude should be the same as Christ. He loved. He died. What will you do? I implore you to love. To show kindness. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the lifestyle. This doesn’t mean you have to be huge supporters. It just means you have to love. It means you need to stop with the hateful comments. It means you need to reach out, as Christ did. Even in the smallest ways.

It’s time to love.

Autism

The Blessing of This Year

June 19, 2015March 6, 2017 Jerusha BordenLeave a comment

Last year at this time, I could not wait for school to end. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year (with a few good days and a few really good staff thrown in the mix). But mostly, one of those years you just can’t wait to be done with. When the school year ended, we had a pizza party and celebrated – even though it wasn’t the best experience. We weren’t celebrating success so much as we were celebrating survival. Even though it sucked, it was finally over and we couldn’t have been happier. We welcomed the summer months with open arms.

This year is a different. It’s like we went from one extreme to the other. Last year, we couldn’t wait for it to be done and we were counting down the days and hours when we could walk out the school doors and not be back until the fall. But this year, with only about an hour left to pick up my boys for the last time, I have the opposite feeling. I’m sad.

Sad because it’s been awesome. Sad because the entire year has gone off without a hitch. Sure, we had a few bumps along the way. But overall, oh, heaven. I have never had a school year end on such a good note. That ridiculous song from The Lego Movie is running through my head right now. “Everything is Awesome! Everything is awesome when you’re part of a team!” I really do feel like we have been part of the team. And really, that is how it should be.

Don’t get me wrong – we have had some amazing teachers and resource involved in the past. I have been so blessed by them and so glad we have had those experiences. But this year, oh this year just raised the bar to a whole new level.

Autism parents, can you imagine a team meeting with no stress? With laughter, even? Before this year, I couldn’t. But this year…oh, this year! Every single meeting was easy. I put out my ideas and opinions and they rolled with them. They treated me like a colleague and not just the student’s parent. That’s how it should be, right? After all, they’re my babies we are talking about.

The teacher lottery – we totally won on so many levels. You never know what you will be facing when you start off in September. I mean, all teachers are awesome because their job can not be easy. The idea of facing a classroom full of children every morning terrifies me. I couldn’t do it! I don’t think I have the patience at all. They’re amazing, they’re superheroes! But this year, oh this year….the teachers loved my children and connected with them. They cared. I know all teachers care, but these ones put aside the papers that listed all the things that are “wrong” with them and loved them for who they are and what they have to offer.

I know my children are ready for the break – they’ve worked very hard this year and have had so many successes and gains it’s mind blowing. To see someone struggle so much with every subject rise up and actually learn on the level he is supposed to be learning is such a gift. To see someone who has particular interests that might not fit the norm applauded and encouraged is such a gift.

So we will enjoy this summer like a gift that is received because of a huge accomplishment. Like a graduation. Or a promotion. We’ll do our summer bucket list from top to bottom and we’ll enjoy every second of it – so that when the cooler weather starts to set in, and September comes we will be ready.

Ready for a new year, with new teachers and new experiences. I will try not to stress about the mandatory intensive french that Aiden is facing, even though it’s intimidating to me. I don’t even need to stress, because his french teacher this year helped him go from saying, “I hate french! I am not going to french class!” to “My french teacher is awesome and french is my favourite. Bonjour! Au revoir!” And his french grades are awesome! I will try not to stress about my Micah leaving the K-2 group and joining the 3-5 group on the big side of the playground. He’s ready. He’s excited.

I can’t be happier than I am right now with how this year has been. I can’t thank the teachers enough. We’ve had nine amazing teachers and support staff working with our children this year and every single one had something awesome to bring to the table. Some of them will be part of our team next year, and some of them won’t. It’s going to be bittersweet walking into that school for the last time until September. It’s going to be bittersweet saying goodbye to the teachers who have enriched my chidren’s lives and helped them grow a little more into the men they will become.

Thank you teachers. You deserve the break this summer will bring. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this year, oh this year!